‘Slimy undercarriage’: Supermarket choc hot cross buns ranked from worst to best

$4 for four

The yellow hue in the bread is exciting, but that’s about where the brioch-ity ends. A clean-cut bun rich with the sadness of factory chocolate. None of the fibrous tear you’d expect from brioche, nor the butter. Contains dried egg and pea protein, which explains why you’re so jacked. A sad, cynical experiment that recalls such late-stage capitalist nightmare treats as the Twinkie. Also contains butter oil; expect significant delays throughout major arteries.

$4.40 for six

Remember muffins? This thing has all the dusty capitulation of a canteen muffin without the good bit: the muffin top. Matte finish. Slender cross. Bit of a worrying chalky presentation on the inside. A whopping 25 per cent choc chip factor, yet somehow not that chocolatey. Strong chemical aftertaste and lingering tingle on the tongue – shout out to you, acidity regulator 330. In a word? Loveless. I hope you’re happy, Coles – you’ve made the Easter Bunny cry.

$4.40 for six

A dark, brooding bun. A snow-white cross. Cakey. Chemically. Could be confirmation bias, but the chocolate does seem to carry that Cadbury-in-advent-calendar-mode je ne sais quois. Too dense for breakfast, too dull for a cup of tea. My advice: buy a better bun, fill with better chocolate, move on with day.

$4 for four

From above, this thing looks like a hot cross bun emoji. Like a pretend Fisher-Price bun made of rubber. It’s too perfect. But to flip it is to reveal its slimy undercarriage: a swamp of weeping caramel; a harbinger of heart failure. It’s uncouth, it’s unnecessary, but if you’re going to freak it, I say freak it like you mean it. Freak it to the tune of 17 per cent caramel sauce and 14 per cent choc chips. Respect to Woolies for pushing this syrupy nonsense as far as it can go.

$5.50 for six

A tall bun – the tallest of the bunch – slicked with a classy glaze. The choc-chips are on the scant side at 18 per cent of the total mass, but they’re a darker chocolate and their relative scarcity is a strength in an it’s-the-notes-you-don’t-play kind of way. Less scarce is the 248mg of sodium in each bun; you will carry it on your tongue for the remainder of the afternoon, but at least you’ll know you’re alive. Quite chemical-y, but not in a terrible way. Imagine the consistency of a three-star-airline dinner roll. Now make it chocolate.

$5.50 for four

You know what’s better than Biscoff? Generic “caramelised biscuit filling”. All the sweet gloop at a fraction of the trademark litigation. Weirdly, the word “Biscoff” is actually listed in the ingredients on this one, just not in the name of the product. Is Biscoff embarrassing now?

Either way, this clean-lined, dark blond bun has been injected with a tablespoon of the shame sludge and is heavier than dark matter as a result. The bun itself isn’t particularly sweet – there’s actually more sugar in Coles’ chemical muffin buns – a moment of elegant restraint in an otherwise predictably debauched treat. I fear this is the work of the Devil, but it does deliver on its cloying promise. Hang on a minute … where are the choc chips?!

$4.50 for four

WILDCARD

I know what you’re thinking. “Hell yeah, my dude.” Cheers. Coles comes roaring back with a Frankenshite freak bun for the 420 crowd. Let’s analyse. Oh. It’s really just a yellowy-orange dinner roll that stinks like vinegar and shaker parmesan. (That’s a compliment.)

They’ve managed to shoehorn a little heat into this by way of jalapeno shards, which is fun. (Why are there no chilli-choc hot cross buns?) Definitely more Nacho Cheese than Cheese Supreme-inspired, which is to say, more paprika and “tomato granules”. Mmm, tomato granule. An end-of-days bun for these end-of-days times. Bronze medal.

$3.99 for six

RUNNER-UP

There’s a lot to like here. Chocolate well dispersed. Great consistency – pliant, moist, bready. Soft, but reanimates quickly from a squishin’. Question: why do these choc chip bunsmen throw out the spices with the sultanas? My brother in Christ, Jesus was buried in the spice! Let Him RIP! It’s a game of margins, this choc-chip caper, and while there’s nothing jaw dropping about the Aldi entrant, there’s an eye for ratio and self-restraint here that makes this candidate prime for an afternoon toastin’. A fine all-rounder. Could have been anything had it had those spices. Silver for Aldi!

$10.99 for six

WINNER

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the OG-CC-HXB. A pioneer of the genre, this pudgy little customer is strapped with a bootlace crucifix and 100 melty choc chips. A great squodge, a pleasing elasticity to the dough, and, above all, a decent blast of embalming spices. If the caramel one was Fisher-Price, this is more Trolli – almost jube-y.

Still one of the tastiest alterna-buns on the market and the most respectful of the source material, which, as we all know, is John 19:39-40. Is it fair to crown a winner from outside the supermarket sphere? Maybe not, but there’s a Bakers Delight outside nearly every supermarket, and also – who cares! Gold for BD!