Which extremely cheesy supermarket corn chip reigns (cheese) supreme?

Since the dawn of time, humankind has coveted a cheesy corn snack. To crunch. To dip. To arrange with shredded cheddar and bake ’til cheese pull come. They are our sacred sustenance, they are our couch communion.

But not all corn chips were created equal. This forensic investigation will be conducted solely in the domain of cheese-forward chips. Supreme chips. Extreme chips. Chips to which one simply can’t say no.

Fingers stained orange with radioactive cheese dust, we hereby present nine supermarket-bought (plus one from a health food store) cheesy corn chips ranked from worst to best.

We’re looking for balance, we’re looking for integrity of build, we’re looking for cheese.

It’s crunch time, people.

10. Sonora “Cheese Supreme”

$7.40 for 500g at Woolworths

Nup. Corn: 72 per cent. Seasoning: 4 per cent. That ratio simply will not cut it. The circular design is cool, I guess, but the cheese is nigh on non-existent. And when you do hit a cheesy patch, it’s not zingy enough to lure you back for more. Crunchy? Yes. But you’re going to need crocodile-level jaw force to bust through this one. Pros: there is an absolute chipload of them — a whole half-kilo, to be precise. Best for: low-stakes nachos for an army of undiscerning mouths.

Supreme Cheese. Cheese Supreme. Which is cheesier? Which is supremier?

9. Twisties Zigzag “Wicked Cheddar”

$1.35 for 65g at Coles

OK, OK, OK … I know what you’re thinking. I can see your grubby little cheese-dust fingertips racing to the comments to put this wonky little puff on blast. BUT. Like it or not, this is a corn chip. It is of a corn-dominant constitution, and we do not discriminate based on shape, size or genetic make-up in this house! Sadly, however, this thing sucks. Airy like a Cheeto, but with nary a modicum of its cheesy depth. File under cereal meets packaging foam, and file directly into the bin.

8. Mission Tortilla Triangles “Extreme Cheese”

$4 for 230g at Coles

I have already consumed my weight in chips and I no longer have the will to live. That said, if I do pass as a result of this exercise, this would make for a perfectly fine snack at my wake. In fact, if the wake caterer is reading this, please lay the trestle with a fistful of these, and I will cease haunting thee effective immediately. This one feels less processed than some of the others, and the cheese is more believable, he says, a creamy dust caking on his ghostly fingers. They’re sold in a paper bag, which makes them inherently less edgy than some of the others. That’s OK for a plain corn chip, but less so for one trying to sell the extreme dream.

7. Coles “Cheese Supreme” Corn Chips

$2.20 for 175g at Coles

Take the Doritos Cheese Supreme, now make it sweeter, less evenly flavoured, and dial the dankness up to “sweaty cheddar denaturing on springtime picnic rug”. Pretty fun and readily deleted. Would happily consume watching a low-rating, low-stakes game of Sunday arvo footy. Vegetable powders make a late appearance on the palate, but it’s all over by that point. Down, down, these chips are unsound.

6. CC’s “Tasty Cheese”

$2.50 for 175g at Woolworths

CC’s people are like Smarties people. They are the contrarians of the confectionery aisle, but sometimes I think they might have a point. (Side note: Smarties rule, and you can’t change my mind.) The cheese in this one, they claim, is baked into the chip and topped with extra cheese dust. That’s a lot of cheese. These are better than I remembered — and way more tomato-y. That doesn’t necessarily a great chip make, but a mild salsa hates to see this one coming, and it’s been hating it for decades. You “can’t say no!” , but you don’t necessarily have to say yes.

5. Doritos XXL “Ultimate Cheddar”

$3 for 150g at Coles

“NOT for the faint-hearted!” I’ll be the judge of that …

YUGGA-YUGGA YOWZA! Poooo-wee! Certified super skunk! To crack the bag is to foul the air a kilometre in every direction. A green cloud has formed overhead, and it’s pregnant with Kraft parmesan-flavoured acid rain. The Monster Energy of corn chips powered by weapons-grade cheese dust. Kind of vomity and absolutely massive. Nuclear yellow. The only chip to come with a warning. A sometimes chip, but a very worthy one. Maximum X factor, minimum romance.

4. Sprinters Corn Chips “Cheese Extreme”

$2.39 for 200g at Aldi

The only thing people love more than Aldi is talking about how surprisingly good their products are. It’s my great pleasure to confirm that the Sprinters Cheese Extreme corn chip is no exception. Again, you’ll need to summon reptilian power to shatter it, but the cheese is worth the chomp. Anyone know what Flavour Enhancer 635 is? Asking for a friend. Lightly sweet, slightly smoky, vibrant in colour, nasty in attitude. Crack a bag in the Aldi middle aisle next time you’re picking up a Pannersonnick TV and a 3kg jar of mustard.

3. Proper Crisps “Cheeza-peño” Tortilla Chips

$6.50 for 150g at Wholefoods Fitzroy

This is the only foil-bagged chip to actually resemble a tortilla. Something in that, I reckon. Great natural crunch. Thin but not brittle. Enough cheesiness to satisfy a purist, but it’s the -peño factor doing the heavy lifting, expressed here through the majesty of citric acid. Heat is sadly undetectable. Nice touch listing the ingredients in both English and Spanish. Are fancy corn chips annoying? A little. Would Mum like them? Possibly. Crack out the good China for our bronze medal winner.

2. Doritos “Cheese Supreme”

$5 for 170g at Woolworths

This is the chip that started it all. The chip that pioneered the cheese division of this sacred salted science. I was raised on this chip. It still hits. I’m starstruck. The bag portends good times, the chip radiates confidence. It’s as well-balanced as ever, but while the crunch is there, it is a brittle chippie. Fumble this bag and you have a graveyard of cheesy shards. Handle with care, and you’ve got one of the best chips to ever do it. An icon, a trailblazer, a titan of tang, a sultan of snacks. Doritos takes the silver!

1. Woolworths “Supreme Cheese”

$3 for 150g at Woolworths

Coles has Cheese Supreme. Woolies has Supreme Cheese. Two Australian supermarkets, both alike in digni … no. Supreme Cheese. Cheese Supreme. Which is cheesier? Which is supremier? You know what … this is a terrific chip! It has staying power. It has acid. It has ample cheese − cheese that won’t wear you out. It has structural stability, it has grace, it has integrity. Dip it, load it, celebrate with it, commiserate with it. Easy, breezy, judiciously cheesy. It’s the chip that won’t quit − I think Woolies might have this one in the bag. Gold for Woolworths!