Till death do us part: I don’t want to be buried next to my husband

My husband wants us to have our burial plots side by side. I love him dearly, but the thought of spending eternity with him is literally sending me into a cold sweat. Do I just have to go along with his romantic idea that we lie next to each other forever?
G.M., Mosman, NSW

In one of my rare romantic moments, possibly the only one, I suggested the same thing to my wife: that we be buried side by side, sleeping together for all eternity. And she said, “So you mean the same way we sleep now? With me holding a pillow over my head to block out your weird, mouth-popping noises? And my elbow forcing back your boob-groping hand? And my legs kicking away your scratchy, scaly feet? Uh, no thanks. I’d rather be cremated. Just burn me. Please. Like, soon.”

That hurt a bit, but she made a fair point. Sleeping together for eternity is quite a commitment: it’s not like you can take a break now and then and crawl out of your burial plot to sleep in a spare guest burial plot up the back of the cemetery. And what if the relationship goes downhill when you get older? You could wind up buried next to your ex-husband for all eternity with his new wife Phyllis buried on the other side – the one he cracked onto during knitting circle at the Golden Goitre Nursing Home.

But if your husband is anything like me, romantic gestures come along maybe once in a lifetime. So I say, just go along with it and fill his heart with joy, raise his spirits high and hope that he dies first. Then sell your burial plot to a random stranger and let someone else spend the rest of eternity sleeping next to your husband, elbowing away his bony, gropey hand.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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