Is bare feet on a plane a step too far?

Is it rude for airline passengers to travel in bare feet? Removing my shoes is the first order of business when getting seated on a plane. I value your opinion on this matter.
C.G., Colac, Vic

Shoeless aeroplane travel is uncivilised, undignified, unhygienic and inconsiderate, and I’m extremely opposed to it – but only when I’m not sitting on an aeroplane, four hours into a long-haul flight. Whenever I am sitting on an aeroplane, four hours into a long-haul flight, I usually think to myself, “You know, I might just loosen my shoelaces and let my poor, overheated, swollen feet breathe. Just loosen my laces ever so slightly, that’s all.” Five minutes later, I’ve got my shoes and my socks off, and my naked, grotesque bunion is rubbing against the crusty, cracked heel of the complete stranger sitting beside me.

On a short flight, shoeless travel is completely unnecessary, but long flights are brutal on the body, mind and especially the sole. So civilised behaviour no longer applies: the moment we hit that dark, desperate breaking point, off come the shoes, down goes the seat, out comes the flatulence (if they’re going to serve us butter chicken and plonk us in a middle seat, they only have themselves to blame).

And it’s okay: everyone on the plane has entered the same primal, animal-like, survival state. We’re all in this together, soaking in each other’s smells and secretions: those flimsy, grey blankets they give you aren’t for warmth, they’re in-flight, personal-odour suppressors. But even in our shared state of animal depravity, there are still basic human rules: no shoeless feet on armrests or higher than a knee. Feet must be tucked away under the seat in front, preferably hidden under that little pillow they give you. That’s not for resting your head: it’s an in-flight, grotesque bunion concealer.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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