My mate puts me on speakerphone – it drives me insane. Can I tell him?

Every time I phone a particular friend, he places me on speakerphone. I normally find this out after a few minutes of banter when his wife chimes in on various subjects. I find this annoying: what should I do?
P.A., Wantirna, Vic

Yeah, I hate it when I’m talking to someone on the phone and I’m getting into personal stuff, maybe being a bit bitchy, possibly even using expletives – and then they tell me that I’m on speakerphone in their car and their kids are sitting in the back. I hate that. Especially when the kids were the ones I was bitching about and why I was using expletives. It really makes the rest of the call a bit awkward.

That’s why people should always warn you up front if they’ve got you on speaker, and they should list everybody who’s in listening proximity: whether it’s their partner or family members or friends or work colleagues or a team of lawyers or a court stenographer. That way, you’ll know what you should say, what you shouldn’t say and whether to just say, “Sorry, bad connection” and hang up.

But you can’t stop someone from using a speaker. They have no choice if they’re driving a car, and some people just don’t like using a handheld device. They may not like the heat that builds up on their ear over a long call or the weird, tumorous growths that appear behind it several months later.

So maybe just start your chats with: “Have you got me on speakerphone? Just checking because I get really self-conscious if I know other people are listening and I’d rather have a private, one-on-one call with my buddy, if that’s okay.”

And if you hear the wife’s voice saying, “No worries, I’m leaving”, don’t trust her. She’s still there.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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