Feeling guilty? Here are five helpful ways to work through the emotion

“I always feel guilty, and I don’t know what to do. My guilt makes me second-guess myself. I even feel guilty about complaining because other people have it so much worse. My partner thinks my guilt is unhealthy because it drives me to put myself last. What should I do?”

A former patient asked me this question. She felt guilty anytime she stated her needs or accepted help. Saying “no” to friends and colleagues also felt challenging.

My patient’s dilemma is far from unique. She was caught in a tug-of-war with guilt, which is something many of us can relate to.

This emotion comes in two varieties: normal guilt and maladaptive guilt. Normal guilt is what we feel for losing our cool, telling a fib or breaking a rule. Normal guilt has an important purpose. Research shows it serves as a moral compass and helps maintain social relationships. Without it, we may hurt others or fail to make amends for our wrongdoings.

Maladaptive guilt – which my patient was experiencing – is the guilt we feel when we haven’t hurt or wronged another person, but we feel that we have.

Maladaptive guilt often stems from our childhood experiences. For example, if we were shamed anytime we expressed a need, we may feel guilty for asserting ourselves. Or if guilt was weaponised to motivate hard work, we may feel culpable whenever we relax.

Both normal and maladaptive guilt can make us feel miserable. In one study, researchers found a connection between guilt and symptoms of depression. Guilt can also make us feel self-conscious and can propel self-doubt.

If you can relate to this, you’re not alone. And guilt doesn’t have to win. We can take steps to work through this emotion.

Grounding in the body

Both types of guilt can make the body feel unsettled. Research shows guilt can activate our sympathetic nervous system, which can make our hearts race and stomachs churn.

One way to cope with discomfort is to ground in the body. Strong emotions can leave us unsettled, but deep breathing can calm us. Exercises such as “box breathing” can help. Inhale to the count of four, hold your breath for four, and exhale for four. Repeat this exercise until you feel more relaxed.

Once we relax, we can face our guilt with grace instead of self-judgment or -criticism.

Validate your guilt

Many of us were raised to steer clear of negative feelings. However, we can’t ignore guilt or wish it away. These strategies can make us feel worse because resisting an emotion can make it persist.

Instead, we need to acknowledge our guilt. Research suggests that naming negative emotions, which is known as “affect labelling”, can reduce discomfort. Neuroscience even shows that expressing our feelings has positive effects on the brain.

One way to practise affect labelling is to keep a “feelings journal”. Take a moment to observe your emotions. When guilt arises, validate its existence and try to investigate its root cause. You may ask yourself: “What is making me feel guilty in this moment?” and “Is this guilt related to any experience in my past?”

It’s not uncommon for guilt to pair up with anxiety or shame. These emotions protect us from sadness, anger and fear. Take a moment to see whether other emotions are present. If they are, name and validate them as well.

Make amends

When we hurt another person, it’s important to apologise. This can be easier said than done. Apologising can make us feel vulnerable, especially if owning a mistake was never modelled in our families.

When apologising, avoid statements such as “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry you think I was wrong”. Half-apologies, such as these, are really non-apologies. They inadvertently blame the other person.

Instead, follow these three steps. First, accept responsibility for your actions by saying: “I was wrong” or “I messed up”. Second, articulate your apology with “I’m sorry”. And third, state what you’re sorry for.

Not only can heartfelt apologies ease normal guilt’s grip, but they can also cultivate closeness, making relationships stronger.

Along with an apology, we can make amends through actions, such as sending flowers or a heartfelt note.

Practise ‘opposite action’

When maladaptive guilt overwhelms us, we may try to avoid it. Like my patient, we may forgo our wants and needs. I’ve also counselled numerous parents who cancelled date night or self-care because their guilt was too much to bear.

However, avoiding guilt doesn’t give us a chance to work through it. Instead, try befriending it.

I encourage my patients to use a dialectical-behavioral therapy tool called “opposite action”. It means doing the opposite of what our emotions tell us to do.

For example, if guilt tells you to say “yes”, practise saying “no”. For my patient, this meant asserting herself, even though she wanted to avoid conflict.

It may feel challenging at first, but it gets easier with practice. Over time, opposite action fosters emotional resilience, which can be empowering.

Focus on your wins

We often give negative experiences and events more weight than positive ones. Social psychologists call this “negativity bias”. It’s one reason our mind focuses on mistakes more than successes.

When it comes to behavioural change, negativity bias can be a saboteur. If we never applaud the steps we’re taking, we can’t see the progress we’re making.

When it comes to both normal and maladaptive guilt, focus on your wins. Noticing your guilt is a win. Acknowledging it is another win. Grounding in the body and taking steps to work through guilt are wins.

If you want to get creative, use a visual representation of your wins, such as a marble jar or a sticker chart. Each time you succeed, place a marble in the jar or a sticker on your chart. Then, when negativity bias swoops in, look at your marble jar or your chart.

These can serve as powerful proof of your progress.

The Washington Post

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