Could the ‘nice guys finish last’ myth be hampering your relationship?

There’s a pervasive belief that, if you want to get ahead in life, you have to take what’s yours. After all, we’re told that nice guys finish last.

But none of that could be further from the truth, says Dr Daryl Van Tongeren, who says there’s incredible power in being humble.

The associate professor of psychology at Hope College in Michigan became interested in humility at university while studying the character strengths and virtues that improve relationships.

He realised that humility is an “under-studied and under-appreciated but extremely valuable feature of human life”. And yet there are loads of “cultural myths” surrounding the idea that we need to brag to get ahead.

He understands why some are wary about embracing humility. “They think, ‘Oh, I’ll get exploited, or other people will take advantage of me, or it’ll be a sign that I’m weak.’ ”

But there are numerous benefits to humility, says Van Tongeren, whose new book on the topic is aptly titled Humble. For a start, it improves relationships. “Scientific research has found that people are more likely to want to be friends with, or work with, or be in a romantic relationship with someone who’s humble,” he says.

That humility also means those bonds are more likely to thrive. “When you’re in a relationship with someone who’s humble, you’re more likely to forgive them, you’re more committed to them,” says Van Tongeren.

It can also boost performance at work. “Leaders who are more humble are able to ask more of their team. The team feels more empowered, is more creative, and overall we see higher levels of productivity and satisfaction.”

There can also be a ripple effect on connections in the wider community. Approaching others with a sense of curiosity and willingness to listen, Van Tongeren says, can help bridge common divides, such as differences in religious or political beliefs.

To embrace humility, we need to truly understand ourselves first. To do that we should seek feedback from people we trust, including our friends, families, partners and colleagues.

“The more contexts we can get and the more situations where people can tell us the areas in which we’re humble and the areas in which we might need to grow is a good first step.”

The next step is to restrain the ego. “So when someone gives us feedback or we encounter information we don’t want to hear, we need to be open to that and hold back on our natural tendency to react defensively.”

Cultivating a “deep sense of empathy” is also vital. “Imagining what other people are going through, and trying to put yourself in their shoes and take their perspective helps tremendously, because then you can prioritise their needs as equally as your own.”

Van Tongeren admits that all takes practice, effort and work. “It’s like running. You have to run each day to train for that marathon. The small gains of humility also accumulate.”

So has he become humbler since understanding the power of humility?

“You know, that’s a tricky question,” he says, with a laugh. “I try to listen first. I try to imagine what the other person might be going through, and I try to seek other people’s perspectives before sharing my own … Studying [humility] just reveals to me all the areas where I have to grow.”

Dr Evelyn Lewin is a fully qualified GP and freelance writer.

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