Ten basic things even five-star hotels can’t get right

It’s been almost 20 years since the first iPhone was released. Let that sink in.

In January 2007, a turtleneck-wearing Steve Jobs unveiled to the world the invention that would completely alter our society – our way of working, our way of socialising, our way of travelling, our way of living. By June that year the iPhone was on sale to the public. By July the world was obsessed.

Twenty years is a long time to figure out that you need a power point next to your bed. These devices we’re all connected to require juice. We need them within arm’s reach while they’re soaking up that power.

So hotels need to provide power points next to the bed. That seems obvious. A deal-breaker. And yet still there are hotels out there, very fancy hotels, very expensive hotels, that don’t seem to be able to manage this simple requirement.

I stayed at one recently, a five-star property with no power point within arm’s length of the bed. And it got me thinking that the current star-rating system for hotels is letting us down.

It’s too nebulous, too imprecise. It doesn’t include the deal-breakers that every property should have if it wants to call itself five-star, if it’s supposed to be the best of the best.

Here are my alternative requirements.

Air-con that actually works

I stay in a lot of hotel rooms and it’s incredible to me how often the air-conditioning panel is just there to fool you into thinking you have some sort of control over the temperature in your room. It’s usually baking hot at night, though sometimes freezing cold. If you’re going to call yourself a five-star hotel, I want air-con I can actually control.

One central master light switch

You know the feeling: it’s time to sleep, you’re tired, maybe jet-lagged; you walk around the room switching off every light switch you can find, but then there’s just one left. One nightlight, one downlight, one wardrobe light. And you Can’t. Turn. It. Off. The best hotel rooms have a single master switch that cuts the power to every light in the place. You need one if you want to call yourself five-star.

A shower with a simple tap

Less is more when it comes to shower taps – surely we can all agree? No one wants some artfully complex system of dials and handles that requires a degree in astrophysics to be able to operate. No one cares if they’re clad in brass or gold. They want a hot tap and a cold tap. Or a single lever that moves between two clearly marked temperature extremes. This, again, is a deal-breaker for the top echelons.

Available power points next to the bed

I covered this up the top but I’ll say it again. You need a charging point next to the bed. It’s no good if there is a power point but it’s being used to power an alarm clock and a floor lamp and a portable speaker that all need to be unplugged. Available sockets or USBs next to the bed, every time.

A very comfortable bed

I tend to forgive fancy hotels for uncomfortable beds because I think, well, it’s a hotel, its beds are being used all the time. But then I remember that my bed at home also gets used all the time – pretty much every night, in fact – and it’s doing fine. Hotels that have bad beds have just bought bad beds. Saggy, lumpy, creaky. And no amount of fluffy overlay thingies is going to mask that.

A pillow menu

It’s true: I used to be a backpacker and now I want a pillow menu. But hey, if you want to call yourself five-star, if you want to claim to be the best of the best, then guests deserve to have the option of ditching the gigantic, full-fluff pillow they usually find on the bed in favour of something more comfortable.

A proper doona in a proper cover

This is one of my pet hates: the “doona millefeuille”. Instead of putting the doona in a proper cover, the hotel lays down a normal sheet, then puts the bare doona down, then lays another normal sheet on top of that. So you invariably end up touching the bare doona, the same bare doona every guest ends up touching, and the whole thing just gives you the ick. And feels very cheap. Hostels do this, which is OK. High-end hotels shouldn’t.

Somewhere to put your luggage

I’m just a guy, standing in front of a hotel room, wondering where I’m supposed to put my suitcase so I can actually open it and still be able to walk around the room.

A free minibar

This doesn’t have to include alcohol, but points if it does. Hotel minibars always feel stingy – like you’re being ripped off in a very knowing and obvious way. The best properties should be above that and at least provide free bottles of water, some juices or soft drinks and a couple of snacks.

Staff who actually want to help you

I was lucky enough to stay recently at Saffire Freycinet in Tasmania, where the staff have a policy of “no nos” – as in, whatever their guests ask for, they will try to make it happen. They won’t say no. Not every property is going to be able to achieve such lofty goals but still, a positive attitude towards the needs or wants of guests should be a prerequisite for a five-star property.