Will cleaning the house in front of my wife help us get down and dirty?

My wife tells me that seeing me cleaning the bathroom and tidying up around the house is an aphrodisiac. Am I being had? Is it a myth or reality? The evidence is inconclusive.
C.R., East Lindfield, NSW

You know what? This would have to be one of the greatest cons ever perpetrated on heterosexual men: that if we do a bit of bathroom-cleaning, our women are going to get wildly aroused and make crazy love to us on the bathroom floor – as long as we’d steam-mopped it first and scrubbed thoroughly between the tiles with a dedicated grouting brush (both before the crazy lovemaking and immediately after).

But it’s a myth, it’s a trick, it’s total and utter garbage (which, by the way, I take out regularly. I’m always the first on the street to wheel out my wheelie bins. Yes, I happen to be The Neighbourhood Bin-Colour Reminder Guy. Does this turn on my wife? No, not at all). We may be a bit slow, us men; it may have taken us millennia, but we’re finally twigging on to this crafty little ruse. We’re realising that if we do a bit of nook-cleaning, a bit of cutlery-polishing, a bit of dust-busting, it does not necessarily mean we’ll be getting a bit of nooky, a bit of spooning, a bit of bust-dusting.

In fact, men doing housework is probably more of an anti-aphrodisiac: I mean, do you really think your wife is going to get horny at the sight of you bent over a toilet bowl in your baggy cleaning shorts, arse-crack peeking out, sweating and puffing and thrusting a toilet brush into an S-bend, wearing no rubber gloves because us men can never get them onto our fat, stumpy man fingers? The truth is, she’s just going to wince and shudder and not let you anywhere near her for days.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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