Thousands had a say about the new station names. This is what they ended up with?

The Victorian government is turning up the dial to 11, raising excitement about the Melbourne Metro stations opening this weekend. The vast stations may be glorious, but it’s a pity authorities didn’t harness the same awe and public imagination when it came to naming them.

In the 1970s, Claytons – a non-alcoholic beverage – was advertised as the “drink you’re having when you’re not having a drink”. It became part of the Australian vernacular to describe something that’s not fair dinkum.

It appears the Victorian government was running a Claytons competition in 2017 when it asked the public to name the five new Metro stations.

While the names of City Loop stations Flagstaff, Melbourne Central and Parliament serve commuters well with their functional, geographic descriptions, a public competition had implied the government was looking for some fresh ideas.

The Melbourne Metro Rail Authority received 50,000 entries over eight weeks. They included names inspired by local landmarks, historical figures and Aboriginal heritage, football players and pop culture. For my entry, I put forward the names Barry and Melba for the two CBD stations.

Imagine my disappointment and bewilderment – and no doubt that of thousands of Victorians who entered the contest – when the state government announced it would be using the locational monikers of State Library and Town Hall for those stations, as well as Parkville and (eventually) Arden for two more.

Sensible, but akin to the zoo asking children to name the latest offspring of our Werribee elephants, only to announce it would call the little one Dumbo.

At least the fifth station, near the Shrine, was given the slightly more creative name of Anzac. But what was as an opportunity for Melburnians to demonstrate our capacity for fresh thinking ended with a dull and predictable selection from an advisory panel.

Were they really so afraid of “Station McStationface” that they had to keep the process under wraps? When details about the competition were eventually released under freedom of information they showed that Domain, St Paul and University were more popular choices than Anzac, Town Hall and Parkville.

We’ve shown our wit and creativity before. The MCG, the Vault sculpture and the entire city in the 19th century became colloquially known as the ’G, the Yellow Peril and Smellbourne. We’ve recognised our Indigenous heritage with Warrior Woman Lane and William Barak Bridge, nodded to our live music scene with AC/DC Lane, and dipped our figurative baggy greens with the Shane Warne Stand. Sydney’s new Gadigal station – nominated as one of the world’s most beautiful passenger stations – also has a lovely name. An opportunity was missed to acknowledge the city’s Indigenous history with a name such as Naarm, especially given the concerns that have arisen from naming a station after George Arden.

My entry to the competition had suggested Barry for the north CBD station as a nod to Sir Redmond Barry, the first chancellor of the University of Melbourne, who was instrumental in the founding of the State Library (not without controversy), and to Barry Humphries, the legendary actor and comedian. The colloquial Bazza might even have eventuated.

Melba, after our first international superstar, soprano Dame Nellie Melba, seemed fitting for the south CBD station given that she made her debut on May 17, 1884, at the adjacent Melbourne Town Hall.

The Parkville station, in the heart of our medical and science precinct, could have been called Doherty or similar, after Peter Doherty and our research pioneers. Given the sensitivities from some over the use of Anzac, the name Dunlop would have paid tribute to our veterans via Victorian war hero Sir Edward “Weary” Dunlop.

There are plenty of more creative options if we’re willing to set aside the state’s preference for not naming landmarks after living people. Town Hall would have been memorable as the Kylie station, for the generous patron of the nearby Australian Music Vault. Tourists would delight in visiting a Kylie Minogue landmark after a Neighbours tour. Consider the opportunities for Tourism Australia if one of these vast new underground stations was named Nick’s Cave.

Boomer station, instead of Arden, would have been a nice tribute to record-breaking North Melbourne footballer Brent Harvey, while also referencing our bounding marsupials.

But the government has instead settled on its dull names. In time, perhaps the voice of the people will prevail. Just as the eastern end of Collins Street has become the Paris End and the Chadstone shopping centre is Chaddy, Melburnians may coin their own names. I wouldn’t dare suggest “Dan’s Dungeons”.

Darren McClelland is a passionate public transport user.

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