This just sucks: How to deal with a post-hike surprise at a cafe

I recently did a nature hike with friends. After the hike, we went to a nearby cafe for breakfast. On my way out, a big, bloated leech fell off my leg. I left the wiggling offender on the cafe steps. Was that the right thing to do? Or should I have killed it?
S.C., Port Macquarie, NSW

Anything that contains a substantial amount of someone’s inner-body liquids – so I’m talking leeches, Band-Aids, sweaty headbands, snotty tissues, soiled nappies and condoms – should never be left on the steps of a cafe where people are eating breakfast. And any predatory creature with skin-piercing mouthparts – so I’m talking leeches, ticks, redback spiders, cobras, great white sharks, zombie cannibals and Nosferatus – should never be left on the steps of a cafe where people are eating breakfast. And any visually repulsive object that causes people to shudder in disgust – so I’m talking leeches, blobfish, tapeworms, naked mole rats, clothed mole rats, larval-decaying meat and a Blu Ray copy of The Human Centipede 2 – should never be left on the steps of a cafe where people are eating breakfast.

As you can see, leeches are the common denominator in all of these categories. They’re not a particularly beloved animal and people in cafes probably don’t want to look at them, hang with them or stroll over and pet them. But leeches deserve respect: these are extraordinary organisms, some have 10 stomachs, 32 brains and hundreds of teeth – and, for thousands of years of human civilisation, they were pretty much our public health system. So no leech-killing. You should’ve gently picked up the leech with a cafe napkin and thrown it into some bushes where it could enjoy the same thing you enjoyed that morning – a pleasant, leisurely hike through scenic bushland.

Maybe finishing up with a nice hot breakfast on somebody else’s leg.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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