This was published 2 years ago
My tropical holiday is striking a bum note with my friends
When informing others of my upcoming tropical holiday, most of my friends exude passive hostility, with comments like, “Lucky you” or “I wish I could escape my responsibilities”. How can I avoid triggering my jealousy-inclined friends?
M.W., Warragul, Vic
A: Unfortunately, you’ve become a victim of the Traveller/Non-Traveller Schism. When someone is travelling to an amazingly exotic location and the rest of us aren’t travelling any further than the vet to pick up ointment for the dog’s impacted anal glands, it’s a painful reminder of our uninteresting, untravelly lives.
This is why your friends feel jealous: they’re thinking about you enjoying your tropical holiday and filling your days with sunshine and stimulation, while they’ll be winter-cold and nighttime-bored and stuck at work playing lap-lacrosse with two plastic spoons and a cough lozenge. They’re thinking about you trying fancy foodstuffs, drinking boozy beverages and immersing yourself in luxurious deliciousness, while they’ll be eating spag bol for five nights straight with a treat of white chocolate that was brown chocolate before it oxidised six months ago. They’re thinking about you lounging at the swim-up bar in a resort pool, having your feet massaged by a hunky underwater pedicurist named Putu, while the sexiest thing they’ll be doing all week is watching Nigella Lawson on TV greasing her ramekins.
Travellers always make Non-Travellers feel crappy about their lives, taunting us with their thrilling, Putu-pedicuring adventures. To avoid this, don’t make a big deal about your upcoming tropical holidays. Don’t post too many pics or updates while you’re away. And don’t tell endless travel stories when you get back, unless those travel stories are about missed flights, stolen passports, cyclonic weather or hotel gastro outbreaks. Non-Travellers love hearing Travellers’ gastro stories. We want to know every agonising, humiliating, toilet-weeping detail.
To read more from Good Weekend magazine, visit our page at The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and Brisbane Times
Continue this edition
The August 5 EditionUp next
Mixing it up in the bedroom
Paul Connolly’s Kitchen Sink Drama is a slice of domestic life, captured masterfully in only 100 words. This week: the swap.
‘The important thing is not succeeding or failing, but …’ David Suzuki’s life lesson
The 87-year-old Canadian geneticist, environmentalist and academic on his proudest achievements – and what he wants to be able to tell his grandchildren.
Previously
Keeping stories alive: The end-of-life podcasts capturing family history
Go pro, or DIY – the new approach in capturing a loved one’s memories. Plus: get ready for the weekend with these fresh diversions.
Danny Katz is a columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. He writes the Modern Guru column in the Good Weekend magazine. He is also the author of the books Spit the Dummy, Dork Geek Jew and the Little Lunch series for kids.