My friend’s been unlucky in love. Should I tell her she’s an off-putting eater?

My best friend has been unlucky in love. She’s seeing a great guy and I want it to work out for her. The only thing is, she’s an off-putting eater: hunched over, open mouth, picks food apart. Should I say something so this new guy isn’t put off? Or would that be an overstep?
S.W., Kensington, NSW

You seem to be suggesting that your best friend’s unluckiness in love may be directly related to her off-putting eating – that guys get a little turned off when they eat with her because it’s like watching a David Attenborough clip of an African python gorging on a baby okapi and having trouble with the hooves.

It wouldn’t just be a visual turn-off, either: all the senses would be equally repulsed. The sound of open-mouthed chomping, the smell of gnawed foodstuffs, the touch of an accidentally spat-out morsel landing on your arm, the taste of an accidentally spat-out morsel landing in your mouth while you were mid-word (and that word was “Ulladulla”).

But for all you know, this new guy is into her eating style: he may even find her passion for food kind of sexy – the way she leans in, grabs with her fingers, dislocates her jawbones so her mouth hinges all the way back. It’s probably safer to turn this into your problem.

Tell your friend that you’ve recently been diagnosed with misophonia, a condition where the sound of people eating can trigger a fight-or-flight response – and any time you hear a noisy eater, you either need to run out of the room or stab them in the neck. Tell her that it’s a very common condition and you’re spreading the word on behalf of the misophonian community: everyone needs to chew silently, swallow carefully, and try to use cutlery now and then.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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