Modern Guru’s advice for an aspiring novelist with a tiny attention span

Q: Keen to write a novel, I joined a creative writing class. But I was unable to maintain focus, so I was directed to a haiku writing class. I enjoy this compact writing form, but I’m concerned how long it will take me to complete my first novel. How do you suggest I proceed in my goal of becoming a published author?
A.N., Box Hill North, Vic

A: I can totally relate. A few years back, I attempted to write a novel but, because I’m so used to writing short newspaper columns, by the time I got to page two, every character had already had sex, and by page three, every character was dead. Even filling out my novel with an epilogue, afterword, thank yous and a biog couldn’t get me past five pages.

You’ve got it tougher because a haiku is way shorter than a newspaper column. As you’d know, it’s a Japanese poetic form that typically is only 17 syllables long – or, to explain in a haiku, “Five in the first line / Seven in the second line / Five more ... and now stop!” The art of the Japanese haiku is in compressing a large amount of content into a very small amount of space, just like the Japanese do with cars, electronics, capsule hotel rooms and prawn and avocado nori rolls.

So if you’re going to commit to these literary restrictions, completing your first novel would only take about 20 seconds or so: “Just pick up a pen / Go and write your first novel / The end, ha, ha, ha.” But your goal of becoming a published author is a whole other matter and really depends on whether a publisher enjoys reading your 17-syllable novel and offers you a deal. If you’re stuck for a storyline, feel free to try mine: “Once upon a time / There were a few characters / They had sex and died.”

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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