I want to talk to my neighbour’s dog. Do I have to address the human?

When I’m out walking in my canine-obsessed neighbourhood and am approached by a dog who’s accompanied by its owner, I always acknowledge and speak to the dog but rarely speak to the owner. Am I being rude?
R.H., Paddington, NSW

Not rude at all. As a dog-owner myself, I’m fully aware that my dog is the more interesting one, the prettier one, the less scruffy one, the better-smelling one and somehow, impossibly, the one with less dog hair stuck to them. In any dog/dog-owner relationship, the dog is always going to be the star and the human will be invisible, so naturally you should only acknowledge the dog, make eye contact with the dog, talk to the dog, saying “Awwww, what a cutie! What a cuuuuutie!” (because people always speak to dogs in high-pitched baby voices and repeat everything twice in case the dog didn’t understand the first time around).

And why would anyone want to talk to us dog-owners anyway? We’re pathologically dull folk who mostly talk about our dogs – their age, breed, seasonal allergies, bowel movements – all while casually holding a tied-up bag of poop like it’s a cocktail at a soirée. Even if we get off the subject of dogs, we communicate through our dogs: “Yes, Coco had a great run in the park today, though she’s a little worried that Donald Trump’s dismantling of America’s democratic institutions could find a foothold in Australia. How about a widdle treat to cheer you up, Coco? Here’s a widdle treeeeeat!”

Don’t worry about us dog-owners: we’re thrilled when people acknowledge our dogs and dismiss our existence. You don’t even have to look at us. We’re happy just being out for walkies, getting a bit of sun, having a sniff around, before our masters tug on our leads and drag us home again.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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