How do I ensure neighbours don’t think a house-guest’s thong-undies are mine?
Q: My brother-in-law is staying with us for a while. My wife includes his colourful thong-undies in our washing. How do I indicate to the neighbours that they’re not mine when I hang them on the line? J.L., Winmalee, NSW
A: My first question is, how are the neighbours able to see what you’re hanging on your line? Are they peeking over the fence, standing on stepladders? Operating drones with 4K ultra-HD cameras and digital zoom? Or have you hoisted your Hills Hoist too high so that it’s poking up out of your backyard like an amusement park spinner-ride with your brother-in-law’s thong-undies as the tiny, colourful passengers?
The easiest solution is to stop them from seeing your laundry altogether: lower your Hills Hoist, build high fence trellises or hang up your washing behind one of those portable curtains they use for euthanising injured racehorses.
But the bigger question is, why do you care if the neighbours think those thong-undies are yours? And if they do think they’re yours, why do you think they’d care? Chances are, they’ve got their own whacky washing hanging on their own lines: rubber bedsheets, novelty boob-aprons, a Naughty Nurse role-playing costume with crotchless stockings.
Still, if you’re paranoid about being the talk of Winmalee, just be the talk of your own backyard. Loudly announce each item of laundry as you hang it up: “OK, these colourful thong-undies belong to my visiting brother-in-law – not me, my brother-in-law! And next, my wife’s bra, not my bra, it belongs to my wife! And now, this pair of boring, plain, cream-coloured Y-fronts, these are mine, definitely mine, all mine!”
Hopefully, your neighbours will hear. They’ll probably be lurking up against the fence, peering through a tiny knothole in the middle.
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To read more from Good Weekend magazine, visit our page at The Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and Brisbane Times.
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Danny Katz is a columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. He writes the Modern Guru column in the Good Weekend magazine. He is also the author of the books Spit the Dummy, Dork Geek Jew and the Little Lunch series for kids.