Help! My neighbour’s front-door food gifts are going to the dogs

A neighbour started leaving food at my front door without letting me know. Fresh produce, herbs, cream, all spoiling in the sun. Recently, she left cupcakes, which were enjoyed by the dogs. Should I ask why she doesn’t knock on the door? Or should I let sleeping dogs (full of cupcakes) lie?
J.B., Mount Waverley, Vic

A creepy old German neighbour named Franz used to leave raw minced meat on my doorstep wrapped in torn-out pages from soiled nudie magazines, but I was too scared to say anything to him: it was raw minced meat and it was nudie magazines and he may have flown with the Luftwaffe.

So you’re lucky: you’ve got a nice neighbour who’s leaving nice food in a nice way. It’s very considerate that she’s not knocking on your door and forcing you to thank her and engage in excruciating small talk about how she keeps her cupcakes moist by “creaming her butter”.

Of course, many foods don’t fare too well sitting on a doorstep: you get bad weather tainting the food, ants crawling over the food, pets eating up the food, courier packages crushing the food, scungy door-knockers flogging government-subsidised chimney balloons standing too close to the food.

So if you want her food gifts to keep coming, maybe just leave a chilled esky by your front door with a note that says, “Please place all foods inside. Crushable items on top, no dairy or perishables. Also include an ingredients list for baked goods, highlighting potential allergens. Now close the lid firmly, text the phone number below with the word DELIVERED, then walk away. Thank you, nice neighbour!” Or if you want her to stop, but you’re too scared to tell her, do what I did with the creepy old German neighbour named Franz: I moved house. Three suburbs away.

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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