This was published 2 years ago
Feeling the heat: Tips for deterring a chatty cafe regular
Q: I like perusing the papers over breakfast at my local cafe, but lately, I’ve been interrupted by a kindly, elderly gentleman named Ken. Although I don’t wish to appear rude by hurrying him along, he often lingers after my toasted croissant has been served. I prefer eating my breakfast hot. Is there a delicate way of saying “Piss off, Ken”?
C.R., Paddington, Qld
A: Today may be the perfect day to get Ken to piss off permanently. Just peruse your newspaper in your local cafe like you normally do and when Ken wanders over, hand him this column and say, “Hey, Ken, have a read!” Then sip your coffee and chomp your croissant and watch a kindly, elderly gentleman’s heart slowly break. It’s guaranteed to work and you get a hot brekkie while you’re enjoying the show.
Of course, you may not want Ken to piss off permanently. You may just want him to leave you alone while you’re eating, in which case you could try a less soul-crushing approach. Hide your phone on your lap with the sound settings open and when you want Ken to leave, sneakily test your ringtone and pretend you’re taking an important call, making serious faces and going, “Uh-huh ... uh huh ... oh, nooooo ...” until he walks away or keels over. Other less soul-crushing, Ken-deterring options: wear a COVID-mask and say you’re contagious. Put on chunky headphones and sunglasses and pretend you can’t hear or see him. Grab your hot brekkie and eat it in the cafe toilet cubicle. Or just be honest and tell Ken you have a difficult, busy life and you just want a nice quiet breakfast before you head off to work in the coal mines. Easiest of all, find a new cafe with no kindly elderly Kens. A place filled with gloomy, silent, antisocial, paper-perusing hot-croissant chompers.
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Danny Katz is a columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. He writes the Modern Guru column in the Good Weekend magazine. He is also the author of the books Spit the Dummy, Dork Geek Jew and the Little Lunch series for kids.