The sad Beckhams split is a reminder to be a cheer squad not a jury

The first girlfriend to meet our family was like a 1980s Dolly cover girl, improbably chocolate box pretty, with a smile that stretched for days, mild anxiety and a habit of dropping used tissues.

She reminded me of girls I wasn’t friends with at school — jealousy of that eastern suburbs polish and “I am destined for a rich husband” vibe makes me judgey — but from the get-go I decided the way forward was to love everyone my kids did. I’d be a cheer squad, not a jury.

That girlfriend came on holidays, to a family wedding, is with us forever in school formal photos. But not with us in actuality. She was a teenage dream who flamed out. I do still have her Country Road beach towel. I lied about it being lost on the Gold Coast trip because I liked that we could keep a tangible piece of her for summers and summers.

Since then, other gorgeous people have been folded into our family via romance with my kids. It’s been easy to give open arms and heart. They’ve all brought something wonderful, from Steph’s morphing of farm girl practicality with urban interior design cool to the firecracker who ran laughing into winter seas, the smart cookie armed with dog toys and Sarah’s unnerving calm and fantastic salsa moves.

I’ve missed everyone who has left us when romance runs its course. Letting go is hard for me.

Which is why I’m fascinated by the Beckham family schism. They’re a global brand built around being close — Victoria and David married forever, kids front row at fashion shows, always super tight.

And yet, amid rumours his mum and wife hate each other, eldest son Brooklyn has removed himself from the fold. To the extent that when he and wife Nicola Peltz renewed their wedding vows this month, the bride’s billionaire dad officiated and all Beckhams were officially MIA.

Hideous for the Beckhams, but comforting in a rubber necking way that a family with stonking money, fame, status has the same problems as any of us when it comes to welcoming new people into the family.

You knew the royals were going to pop up here. Their family essentially imploded when Meghan Markle entered the picture. Whether you think she was unfairly treated or too fast to pull the ripcord, it’s undeniable her in-laws never found an easy rhythm with her.

Even fictional families aren’t immune. Take And Just Like That, which mercifully ended forever this week. While losing their joy, wit and intellect in the reboot, the Sex and the City girlies gained “family” members in Seema and Lisa.

The diversity hires ticked a box but the chemistry was ruinous. Sometimes you can’t just slot in a new sister and expect it to work.

Science says it’s worth trying though. In a 26-year University of Michigan study, psychologist Terri Orbuch followed 373 couples from their first year of marriage. She found when husbands are close with their wife’s parents, the divorce risk drops 20 per cent.

But when wives become enmeshed with in-laws, the risk rockets by the same figure. Orbuch told the Wall Street Journal she believes it’s because women value closeness, but if it feels like the in-laws are meddling, it sours fast. Men? They’re just trying to keep the peace.

So, yep, loving the randoms who arrive via romance is an investment. The key seems to be not threatening a new arrival’s identity — and remembering that when you reject someone your family member loves, you risk losing both them and the magic that person brings to the table.

The Beckhams will figure their stuff out or they won’t. The royals will continue their public family therapy. And the rest of us will keep welcoming whoever our kids love, mindful it could be our own hearts that break in the end.

Family is about who shows up, who knows you love chilli oil, who trusts you with their stuff across a kitchen bench. And sometimes it’s their ghost you keep close, like the towel. A reminder love, once given, always leaves something behind.

Kate Halfpenny is founder of Bad Mother Media. Her new book, Boogie Wonderland, is out now. Subscribers can buy a copy from Booktopia for the discounted price of $24.26 plus postage with the code WONDERLAND10. This offer is available until August 31.

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