Pressing the pedestrian crossing button gives me paws for thought

Post-pandemic, I’ve noticed that the ways in which pedestrians press the button at crossings has become ever more varied. I’ve seen elbows, knees, feet and, just the other day, I witnessed someone using their dog’s paw! Is it time to say something?
D.L., Brighton East, Vic

A: Even in pre-pandemic times, nobody liked pushing those disgusting buttons with their fingers. I developed my own sexy little hip-bumping technique, part Shakira singing Hips Don’t Lie, part a bear trying to jiggle off a string of excrement that just won’t let go. So when the pandemic struck, we all got extra freaked out about the buttons: they’d become mini biolabs, each one carrying all the world’s deadliest pathogens, conveniently placed at hand height in multiple locations along every major pedestrian thoroughfare.

And just like scientists in a biolab, pedestrians decided to handle these bio-hazardous surfaces using high-tech biosafety equipment: a foot, an elbow, a knee, a hip, a buttock – or the paw of a dog (potentially sacrificing the life of a beloved family pet just to cross the street safely).

Look, we’re all just trying to stay healthy, so I’d only say something to someone if the finger alternative was more disgusting than the actual button: feet, crotches and tongues are right out. The good news is, more and more councils are installing automated contactless buttons which will reduce the risk of contracting deadly button contagions. And also eliminate the need to press the button 150 times to make the light change faster. And bring an end to standing at a crossing with a bunch of other pedestrians, everyone thinking, “Has someone already pressed it? Do I press it myself? And what part of me do I press it with? Arghhhh, what do I do?”

guru@goodweekend.com.au

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