This was published 3 years ago
When the dinner host keeps your Perrier and serves a cheap alternative
I gave up the grog and now drink sparkling mineral water. But when I go to my friend’s house for dinner, she whisks away the Perrier I’ve brought and leaves it unopened in the fridge. Instead, she gives me her home-brewed soda water, which is remarkably underwhelming. What do I do?
J.M., Geelong, Vic
A: Giving up the grog isn’t easy. It’s a tough addiction to beat, requiring a tremendous amount of strength, so for that, you have won my eternal respect. But then you had to go and mention sparkling mineral water. How am I supposed to eternally respect someone who drinks sparkling mineral water? That stuff tastes disgusting, like a Berocca dropped into grey water from a washing machine. Like a packet of pop rocks washed down with stagnating rain from a rusty, blocked gutter. Like a bargain-bin prosecco diluted with gastric-reflux juices that’s then served in a very fancy Euro-style bottle that you might keep to put flowers in.
Sorry for going so hard, but I’m strictly a tap-water guy. It reflects who I am: still waters run deep, and still waters run cheap. Unfortunately, you seem to be the sparkling, shallow, spending type, but I’ll put my personal feelings aside and say this to you: if you have the strength to give up the grog, then you should also have the strength to say “No, thanks” to your friend’s offer of home-brewed soda. And the strength to yank open her fridge door and grab your bottle of Perrier. And the strength to guzzle down a mouthful of belchy, gastric rust-water without chundering.
Meanwhile, I’ll just stick with tap. I like my water how I like my dinner conversation. Never sparkling. Completely flat, bland and a little bit tepid.
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Danny Katz is a columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. He writes the Modern Guru column in the Good Weekend magazine. He is also the author of the books Spit the Dummy, Dork Geek Jew and the Little Lunch series for kids.