This was published 3 years ago
Are gutter tactics okay for a hated household chore?
A bird has built a nest on the top rung of my ladder. My wife asked me to clean the gutters. I’m no bird-lover, but I hate cleaning the gutters, so I have refused to destroy the nest, citing animal cruelty. Is this hypocritical?
I.F., Fitzroy, Vic
A: First thing: you probably shouldn’t be climbing ladders to clean gutters. According to government statistics, an average of 4.5 Australians die every year in ladder-related falls while doing jobs around the house (I’m not sure who the 0.5 of an Australian was, but maybe it was someone who lopped themselves in half with a radial-arm saw in a completely different government statistic a few years earlier?)
Second thing: if your wife is insisting you clean the gutters, she may be trying to kill you. I can’t be certain of this, but you might want to watch for key giveaways. Did she chuckle fiendishly after she asked? Did she suggest oiling the ladder rungs to rustproof the metal? Did she ask you to clean the gutters on a particularly wet and windy day, saying, “Best to do it when the leaves are falling, don’t you think? And go barefoot. No point in your shoes getting all soggy, hey?”
Third thing: your animal-cruelty excuse is brilliant. Not only do you come across as a caring, bird-loving environmentalist, but you also avoid falling to your death, which is a nice little extra.
Tell your wife that if she wants the gutters cleaned, it might be best to call a professional tradie – someone who knows how to do the job safely while also owning a non-bird-nesty ladder. And if she’s not happy about the expense, suggest she do the job. According to government stats, 80 per cent of ladder-related hospitalisations are of men so, clearly, women climb ladders a whole lot better.
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Danny Katz is a columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald. He writes the Modern Guru column in the Good Weekend magazine. He is also the author of the books Spit the Dummy, Dork Geek Jew and the Little Lunch series for kids.