How do I tell well-meaning people their suggestions are terrible?

Question:

I have decided that contracting, rather than a full-time office job, suits my lifestyle. Partly because of this, my friends and family have got in the habit of sending me jobs that they think would suit me. It has started to drive me up the wall.

I do appreciate their thoughtfulness and find it helpful if someone comes across a good opportunity I had missed, but this is very rare. I would say 19 out of every 20 jobs they send are totally inappropriate and sometimes offensive.

How do I tell well-meaning people their suggestions are terrible?

Answer:

On the surface this might seem like a straightforward question – “How do I get people to stop giving me awful recommendations?” – with a straightforward answer – “Tell them they’re awful recommendations.” But I know from experience, that’s not really the case.

I think to help make a messy world seem simpler and easier to traverse, some of us wishfully think that “telling it like it is” is a kind of panacea. That being blunt is the one-size-fits-all response that gets us to where we want to be with the least fuss.

It almost never is.

Yes, this may be an easy problem to solve if you don’t care about your friends’ and family members’ feelings, if you think everyone accepts (or should accept) criticism in the same way or if your worldview can be summed up along the lines of: “as long as I’m OK, nothing else matters”.

I’m not saying a firm and unpainted response – “Nah, sorry mate, that’s not a good suggestion at all” – is out of the question. For some people, this is exactly the kind of tone that works. But for others, this will come across as ungrateful, rude, or both.

Then there’s the question of whether you really know which tone works for which friend or family member. I don’t say that to question your judgment. I say that because I’m almost certain part of the problem here is that people you know and love are making assumptions about you. They very likely don’t mean to, but by doing so, they’re using incorrect information to guide their on-your-behalf job searches.

My point is, don’t fall into the trap of making assumptions about the people making assumptions.

How do you avoid this? If you have the time, I think the answer is to sit down with the people sending you these way-off-the-mark opportunities and having a chat. It doesn’t need to be a “Sorry, but I’d really like you to stop doing this” chat. It doesn’t even need to be a chat entirely about their bad proposals. But it does need to get around to the question of how they decided a job was “perfect for you”.

You might find some people just don’t quite get what you’re interested in career-wise or where your professional skills lie. You might find some have misinterpreted conversations you’ve had previously. You might find some people mistakenly believe you want as many jobs thrown at you as possible, regardless of their suitability. You might find some people don’t understand your level of experience or proficiency in a certain field. You might find some are putting very little thought into it at all. Whatever you discover, base your response around that.

As you’ve said in your question, most, if not all of these job ideas are sent to you in good faith. Try to put aside the fact that some are so inappropriate they’re insulting, and reply to them in that same spirit.

Send your question to Work Therapy by emailing jonathan@theinkbureau.com.au