The ultimate way to travel in economy: ‘Bogan business class’

I don’t know your name yet, but my loathing for you multiplies with your every step. My flushed-faced enemy’s eyes flit from boarding pass to overhead seat number as he prowls down the aisle towards my dominion.

I stare down at the bum-free seats beside me, grieving for the row that was surely mine for this overnight hell flight. He pops open the luggage bin. I scoop up my blanket, pillow and sundry, ready to let this late-boarding, bliss-slaying swine through to my window seat.

And then it happens. Or, rather, it doesn’t. He swoops down into the row behind me and those sacred words surge from the PA: “All ground crew, please leave the aircraft”. Today, I have won life. Fate has upgraded me to Bogan Business Class – a full row in economy, all to myself, baby.

Two others at the back-end have been blessed today. We beam at each other with glassy, incredulous eyes, metaphorically high-fiving and sticking up our middle fingers at airline CEOs the world over. We snap photos of our glorious voids to annoy our friends with. We are elite bogans; winners of the $5000-space lottery.

Why “bogan business class”? Well, for the next 15 hours, my behaviour will be merrily unsophisticated and unrefined. I will own it, though, like I would a crisply shorn mullet or a seldom-washed flanno.

First step, future-proof my “suite”. Spread out, make the space look unappealing for chancers. Fashion a mini-pillow fort. Pull down two tray tables. Stuff my book and iPad into different storage pouches. Maybe practise an I’m-infectious-sounding cough or prolonged suspicious-looking head scratch.

Unfortunately, unlike business class, there’ll be no culinary upgrade. Omelettes will still be of wetsuit consistency; mini-butters still like spreading lava. Yet the heightened-confidence bogan doesn’t shy away from inquiring if there are any spare/leftover meals if unsated.

Next, transform the three/four seats into your lie-flat swag. Retract the middle armrest. Tuck away sciatic-nerve-stabbing seat-belt buckles. Lay your two spare blankets across the seats; no shame in asking for more. Adopt the side-sleeping position and loosely but visibly buckle a seatbelt around your midriff (so you’re not disturbed during turbulence). Hopefully, you’ll double your shut-eye time compared with what you would have snatched on that barely reclinable economy torture-chair.

Are there bogan business class upgrade hacks? If you can access your airline’s online seat map, there’s a chance. Weeks beforehand, scan for empty rows towards the rear. Grab an aisle seat, or even a middle, the beginning of a crafty Connect-Four-style blocking game that you may lose. Revisit the map regularly. Adjust as necessary.

Clearly, giving passengers undue space is not in any airline’s economic interest. Many no longer allow seat selection (or you have to pay), and your chance of a pre-upgrade on popular hub flights – with Emirates and Qatar, for example – is statistically implausible.

However, if you are agile, cunning and shameless, the onboard self-upgrade is still in play. I’m usually a polite passenger, the kind who’ll wait for those in front to deplane, but given a sniff of a row to myself on a long-haul flight, I’ll dive through your family tree to secure it.

You’ll need a pre-take-off strategy. Once you’ve identified a free row, immediately verbalise it to the steward, loudly enough for competitors to hear. “Excuse me, do you mind if I move there?” (They’ll sometimes say to wait until after take-off.) Truly lion-hearted bogans simply pounce when the doors close, braving death stares and playing dumb if challenged (this is technically against the “rules”).

Too desperate? Well, if you snooze, you lose (potential snooze-time), and if you don’t claim it, the next bogan gleefully will. Yes, you’ll eat the same-old plain plane food, binge the same vacuous cartoons and probably still be slammed by jetlag. But for 15 splendid hours, you’ll be able to stretch out rapturously, warmed by the glow of serendipitously beating the system in this often-unfair world.