The 19 mistakes I keep making on flights

Whenever I make a flight booking, I play chicken with my seats.

That’s what I call it, anyway.

If I’m unhappy with the seat selection, or unable to choose without paying a fee, I hover over the seat map in the days leading up to departure, in the hope that a better one will magically appear.

It isn’t magic – other people change their seats, get upgraded or cancel. Airlines release premium seats in the day before departure.

Most times, I’m successful moving myself forward, to a quieter part of the plane, even grabbing a bulkhead or extra legroom seat that hasn’t been sold in the hours before the flight.

But occasionally, I outsmart myself.

That bulkhead seat comes with someone else’s baby beside me. Or I’m seated in front of a toddler who kicks the back of my seat all the way.

Sometimes I’ve chosen a forward seat in a part of the cabin where I think it’s going to be quieter, only to find I’m surrounded by a junior rugby team off to an international competition.

On these occasions, I regret trying to micromanage my seating arrangements.

Regrets, I’ve had a few. Especially when flying.

And maybe you have, too. Such as being over-eager to get to the gate before a flight, only to find you’re confined to a holding pen with no water and no toilets for far longer than humanly tolerable.

Or line-dancing regret: Swapping queues at check-in, immigration or security screening, thinking the line beside you will be quicker, but then discovering that the person in front of you has 25 secret pockets that need to be emptied and a mystery item that keeps setting off the alarm, holding everyone up, and causing you to look on wistfully as your original line speeds past.

Then there’s carry-on regret: Feeling smug that you’ve snuck a couple of extra kilos into your bag, only to tear a rotator cuff when hoisting it into the overhead locker.

Pillow regret: The blow-up ones deflate, the bead-filled ones are too squidgy and the Velcro doesn’t hold together on this new one, meaning you sleep with your chin on your chest and your neck makes an alarming sound when you straighten it.

Cool-air regret: The air-conditioning is arctic, the blanket’s thin as rice paper, and you’re dressed for your destination, Thailand.

One-for-the-road regret: You had a glass or three of sparkling wine to relax and celebrate taking off. Now the bubbles are trapped in your gut, and you’re squirming in your seat.

Hydration regret: You didn’t drink enough water.

Toilet regret: You drank too much water.

Toilet regret (No. 2): You forgot to bring your slippers and now the floor is so sticky you have to walk on your heels.

Tight-shoe regret: Your feet have swollen, and you can’t put them on again.

Missed-meal regret: You boarded the plane so late at night, you didn’t feel like eating. But now the flight stretches on for half a day and there’s nothing else served, except the rubber omelette you might get before the plane lands.

Why-didn’t-I-bring-a-snack regret: You didn’t, and now you’d kill for a Snickers bar.

Technological regret: You didn’t juice up your devices. Now batteries and cords are tucked away in your carry-on, jammed in the back of the overhead locker, under other people’s bags and coats, which involves a complete reordering of the compartment as the plane bumps its way through some storm clouds.

Upgrade-regret: (Rare) You pay for an upgrade to premium economy and then find out you’ve been assigned a middle seat.

Chatty Cathy regret: You start talking to the nice-seeming person next to you before take-off but several hours in, they consider themselves your new best friend and are still telling you about their divorce when you arrive at the destination.

Sleeping-pill regret: Taking too low a dose and waking up after two hours, or overdoing it and having no idea where you are or why you have your head on that nice stranger’s shoulder when the plane lands.

Gadget regret: Impetuously buying some new-fangled travel aid, like a foot sling, which you read about on Facebook, and finding it not only useless but there’s nowhere to stash it in your seat.

Coffee regret: Foolishly, you said yes when the flight attendants offered you one. It’s terrible.

Flying is a minefield of things you’d wish you’d never done. Strangely, getting on the plane in the first place is rarely one of them.