‘Adult language, adult substances’: A canal cruise unlike any other

“There’s one of our historic pissoirs,” says guide Maxim. “They were often built near churches, to stop people urinating on them.”

Is this true? I’m not sure, and later I find an online article which says the pissoirs were built to stop the pollution of Amsterdam’s canals instead. Still, it’s a colourful point, well-made, and a departure from the commentary you might expect on a standard paint-by-numbers cruise along the city’s famous waterways.

Irreverence is the stock in trade of Those Dam Boat Guys, whose 90-minute cruises are structured more as a conversation than a lecture; and a frank conversation at that. As their website promises: “We tend to talk about adult topics using adult language, while adult guests are allowed to enjoy adult substances.”

That sounds exciting. However, on my afternoon cruise, the liveliest BYO stimulant is a bottle of white wine in a small Esky, brought by the two Americans sitting opposite me. The remaining passengers are a cheerful couple from Hawaii, so we all have plenty of space in this relatively small craft built for 10 passengers. As it’s cold today, its sides are partly covered with plastic sheeting, though in hotter weather that’s discarded.

The other occupant of the boat is our guide, Maxim. How can I describe him? Cool. Very cool, with wavy dark hair, a dark jacket and stylish dark sunglasses. He’s the sort of effortlessly chill Dutch guy you want to be your new best friend, and he essentially fills that role for the next 90 minutes as he relates urban tales, and answers questions while deftly handling the craft’s big wheel.

“Tours aren’t scripted, we go with the flow,” says Maxim, and we nod then ask about the cars we see parked incredibly close to the edges of canals. Do they ever fall in? “It does happen,” he replies, and we nod sagely while training an eager eye on them.

As we cruise on, we pass brightly painted houseboats, which prompt our guide to mention that many were working vessels until a housing shortage after World War II led people to live on them.

The sighting of a cylindrical multi-storey car park decorated to celebrate the city’s 750th anniversary leads to a discussion of Amsterdam’s omnipresent three-cross emblem. Some say these St Andrew’s crosses symbolise the medieval curses of fire, floods and plague. However, Maxim draws our attention to a more recent interpretation made after the German occupation of the war years: that they stand for courage, compassion and determination.

Rest assured, it’s not all pissoirs and car parks. We’re also passing beautiful architecture such as the Herengracht, the so-called Gentlemen’s Canal where the wealthiest merchants once lived. This harmonious collection of 17th century houses was built on trade; though there’s a dark side to that wealth, derived partly from colonialism and slavery.

Floating onwards, we ask Maxim about the canals’ occasional modern steel sections, and learn they’ve been installed to reinforce them. He also tells us the city’s canals were dug by hand centuries ago. “They’re always dredging them,” he adds, “fishing out bikes.”

This cruise is like that, full of interesting little facts and casual chat, and so agreeably does the time pass that we’re surprised when 90 minutes is up, and we head back to the landing in Jordaan.

“The neighbourhood is named not for the famous river, by the way, but for the French word, ‘jardin’, which was given to it by Huguenot refugees,” says Maxim, and this random fact seems the perfect point on which to finish. Though frankly, the cruise has been so relaxing that I could stay on the water all day.

The details

Ride
Those Dam Boat Guys canal cruise costs €36.50 ($65) a person, see thosedamboatguys.com

Fly + ride
Emirates flies to Amsterdam via Dubai, see emirates.com

Amsterdam can also be reached by train from London and other cities, see eurostar.com and int.bahn.de

Stay
Pillows Grand Boutique Hotel Maurits at the Park is a luxurious choice in an attractive heritage building. From €299 a night, see slh.com

The Manor Amsterdam is an affordable option with comfortable rooms. From €135 a night, see themanorhotelamsterdam.com

More
iamsterdam.com

The writer travelled courtesy of Eurail, Small Luxury Hotels of the World, Amsterdam & Partners and Those Dam Boat Guys.