Move over, Guardian - these are the greatest Ashes cricketers of all time

The Guardian put out a list this week of the top 100 men’s Ashes cricketers of all time.

You know it’s a strong list when Keith Miller can only make No.13 – I want a recount – and Adam Gilchrist is at No.21. They have kept the top 10 under wraps, to unveil later, but I know you can’t wait that long. So, without wishing to cut The Guardian’s grass – much – allow me to have a stab at the top, well, “Magnificent Seven” at least.

1. Sir Donald Bradman. Obviously, and beyond question, No.1. They didn’t call him the GOAT, because that terminology was not in use at the time – other than, perhaps, when the Catholics in the side, like Bill “Tiger” O’Reilly, felt put upon by the Don’s Protestant and Masonic ways. But that’s another story. As a batsman, the Bowral boy is, to this day, without peer.

2. Dennis Lillee. Don’t even speak. The great man! And yes, there will be those who will quibble, saying he should be below Shane Warne, but I don’t care. Of course, Warne got more wickets, and certainly more headlines, but there was simply nothing like Lillee – chant it with me, “Lilleeee, Lilleeee, Lilleeeee!” – in the 1970s. He was everything, and in my lifetime no cricketer or Australian sports figure has come close to being so universally admired, for so long.

3. Shane Warne. Again, there can be no doubt. Take the “ball of the century,” add fizz over 15 years and Robert’s your mother’s brother. Beyond the wickets he took, and occasional sterling innings just when Australia needed the runs most, Warne was, above all, an entertainer. Mesmerising to watch on the field, he was so busy off it, you’d swear there were three of him.

4. Sir Ian Botham. Look, I can’t give him higher praise than this: obviously, Botham was somehow born in England by some cosmic mistake. His whole persona, his whole schtick, the way he carried himself, the way he batted and bowled and caught and sledged – and stood up to sledgers – said that, by nature alone, he should have been one of ours. Any more buckles on his swashes and he would have keeled over from the weight. I still don’t know how England produced such a man, and such a player.

5. Jack Hobbs. They called the Englishman “the Master,” and for good reason. Among his staggering 61,760 first-class runs, and Bradmanesque 199 centuries – Say it, Max: “Missed a double century of centuries, by that much” – were a round dozen of Ashes centuries.

6. Allan Border. It’s frankly less for what he accomplished in the Ashes, as what he prevented. In the grimmest of grim times, when everything seemed lost against England, you’d see Border striding out with bat in hand and think: “Well, not everything’s lost.” With Border, it never was. He averaged 56 across 47 Ashes Tests. Extraordinary.

7. Steve Waugh. Can’t go past him. Scored more than 3000 runs against the Old Enemy at an average of 58, and won eight of the nine Tests he captained. He was the architect of one of the greatest Ashes moments of all time, too. As the shadows lengthened at the SCG on January 3, 2003, he was 98 not out as he faced the final ball of the day. Kerry O’Keefe was up in the ABC commentary box, alongside England’s Jonathan Agnew. Oh, come on guys, one more time for the road.

Agnew: “Well, what high drama we have here, Kerry. What will he do?”

O’Keefe: “He’ll go for it.”

Agnew: “But he could come back tomorrow and wait for a trundler down the leg side ...”

O’Keefe: “Stuff tomorrow, Aggers. Tomorrow is for silver medallists. We’re Australians. Poms come back tomorrow. Australians only want the gold, and we want it now ... He’ll go for it.”

And moments later, English offie Richard Dawson prances and dances his way in to the bowling crease, flights his spinning orb towards Waugh ... pitching outside the off stump ... while the crowd hangs in suspended animation ... as it lands and ... Waugh moves ... and CRACKS it ... straighttothefence!

RAH! And again I say, RAH!

I’ll let The Guardian do the last three, but those seven simply have to be there.

Why so many blasts from the past?

Incidentally, in that list, do you note what I note? Somehow or other, so many of the golden players and golden moments of the Ashes series are from last century, yes?

Certainly, there have been a few of both this century – see Steve Waugh, above – but they just don’t seem as iconic as they used to be. Part of it, surely, is that back in the day the Ashes was such a standalone event, with precious little around it, meaning it would be discussed for months beforehand and years afterwards. These days we’re really only focusing on the Ashes a week out, and when it’s over, the football season will be just around the corner.

Or do you disagree because I’m 64 and you’re a whippersnapper. If so, name for me half-a-dozen iconic Ashes moments from this century? Go on, I’ll wait. And if you need me, I’ll be in my trailer, on my easy chair, with my pipe and slippers. And you kids, GET OFF MY LAWN!

Wallabies can’t get Italian job done

Yup, I was gutted by the Wallabies’ loss to Italy, too.

When our blokes skipped to a 19-12 lead midway through the second half, I, too, thought it was all over Red Rover. Alas, it was about exactly that time that our Red Rover ran out of gas, and there was no way back, as Italy ran in two tries, one of them by Michael Lynagh’s son Louis, playing on the wing for the hosts. The cruellest cut of all.

Can we possibly beat Ireland early Sunday morning (7am AEDT)?

It will be tough. But with James O’Connor, Max Jorgensen and Len Ikitau back in the side, we’ll at least have some much-needed firepower in the backs once more. The match will be broadcast on Stan.

What they said

Geoffrey Boycott, back in the day, about English bowler Derek Underwood, ran in The Guardian this week: “The face of a choirboy, the demeanour of a civil servant and the ruthlessness of a rat catcher. On wet pitches, Deadly was his name.”

White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt on whether the Washington Commanders will name their new stadium after Trump: “That would be a beautiful name, as it was President Trump who made the rebuilding of the new stadium possible. It’s what the president wants, and it will probably happen.” #Cringe.

Mark Viduka on the struggles of Australian soccer players in the UK: “We’ve got to work really hard for people to take notice. People’s first thought is: ‘You Aussies don’t have a clue about football.’ You could be a better player than the Brazilian or European, but somehow there’s still that perception ... You come to the UK and just fall in like some sort of alien.” Shades of Rodney Dangerfield, “I just don’t get no respect!”

Englishman Steve Harmison on his horrible first ball in the 2006-07 Ashes series, which made it look like he had been coached by John Howard: “It’s not something that keeps me awake at night. It really isn’t. There’s nobody takes the piss out of that more than what you do yourself. It should never define you, but it’s a moment that gets talked about every four years when that little urn is played for.” It’s every two years, but still.

Cam Munster wanting his new friend during the Australian team photo: “Where’s ‘Jarvo’?”

Wallabies coach Joe Schmidt urges us to keep the faith after the dispiriting loss to Italy: “I believe in the group we’ve got. All I can say to people is that we believe in what we can deliver. Don’t lose faith because we will guarantee to keep working as hard as we can to try to demonstrate what it means to us to try to be as competitive as possible.”

Oscar Piastri ahead of the Brazilian Grand Prix as the naysayers were multiplying: “I mean, people can think what they want to think, right? But for me, I know that I’ve still got what it takes to win the championship.” Maybe. But from a great and mostly disinterested distance, it looks to me like he’s got a world-class case of the Colliwobbles.

Jos Verstappen, father of Max, isn’t as confident: “Piastri can’t have suddenly forgotten how to drive, right? If I were him, or his manager [Australian Mark Webber], I’d bang my fist on the table internally at least once. Because right now, everyone is wondering whether he can handle the pressure – and that’s not good for your reputation. Piastri’s reputation in this case.”

Matthew Hayden on the lack of specialist openers in the Australian side: “I do not want Marnus [Labuschagne] opening. Typically, he will say, ‘I need my spot back, I will bat wherever’. But he’s at three. That’s where he wants to bat. That’s where he is batting. That is where he is going to showcase his skills again.”

Brentford striker Igor Thiago on where he gets his talent from: “From God. He gave me everything. Where I come from it is so hard, and it comes from him.” Richard Dawkins’ God Delusion, writ large. You heard me.

Former England rugby player James Haskell on the state of English clubs: “Right now we are Thelma and Louise, foot down, laughing, waving at fans, heading straight off the cliff. Everyone knows it. The players and coaches know it. Fans definitely know it. But the administrators? They’re still checking the rearview mirror.” He proceeded to laud R360 as the way forward. No, really. But that whole circus seems to have gone VERY silent. No ringmasters, let alone clowns, have emerged.

Team of the week

Socceroos. Take on Venezuela on Saturday and next week Colombia in their final matches of 2025.

Ashes. Kick off on Friday in Perth.

Kangaroos. While it’s nice that they won the Ashes 3-0, the lack of international competition would be a concern. Of course Samoa, Tonga and New Zealand would provide sterner opposition.

Wallabies. Take on Ireland after a bad loss to Italy.

Jillaroos. Australian women won rugby league’s Pacific Championships title.

RIP Johannes Logan. The 19-year-old Rabbitohs junior and former Joeys first XV star was, by all accounts, a very fine young man who gave it everything, in everything. Tragically passed away this week. Lifeline 13 11 14.

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