No nominations, no judges, no nothing: Even by FIFA’s standards, Trump’s award is a new low

In the history of sport, has a major organisation ever debased itself to the extent FIFA did last Saturday (AEDT) by awarding Donald Trump its inaugural “Peace Prize”?

The award was created just four weeks ago – coincidentally, just after the US president had missed out on the Nobel Peace Prize to someone who actually deserved it.

There were no nominations, no process, no judges, no nothing. The whole thing was a massive and toxic brain fart from FIFA president Gianni Infantino, setting a new world record for sycophancy that will define his reign.

Not just because FIFA’s own code of ethics (article 15) explicitly states that the organisation and its officials must “remain politically neutral”, but also – to set a new world record for stating the bleeding obvious – it’s Trump. A “peace prize”, for this guy?

In the words of British political commentator Marina Purkiss, this peace prize was awarded to a man who, “Praised Israel’s use of US weapons [on Gaza] – ‘You used them very well’. Green-lit strikes on Iran. Sides with Russian aggressor [on Ukraine]. Threatens military action in Venezuela. Hints at ‘taking’ Greenland. Deploys National Guard on own people ...”

My friend and yours, the former Socceroos captain Craig Foster, was even stronger, decrying that FIFA, “Has been used to promote a human rights abuser, currently extrajudicially killing Venezuelans, who play our game. Locking up immigrants and vilifying all manner of cultures and faiths, who play our game. Funding and arming genocide in Palestine, who play our game.

This award further stains the reputation of Infantino, FIFA, and places football as an enabler of Trump’s attacks on international law, multilateral systems, on justice, and accountability. Football once stopped wars, today, it promotes the worst crimes against humanity. It’s a shameful day for the beautiful game.”

What he said.

Land of the free?

A few days later, the US government announced that all visitors applying for visas to America would have to hand over – and I am not making this up – their phone number, email addresses for the past 10 years, their social media accounts, personal details about their families and, in some cases, DNA samples.

Foster is a professional soccer commentator, among many other things. With the above remarks on his social media record, how will he go applying for a visa to commentate on next year’s World Cup? In the unlikely event that the Herald sent me, too – the last time a miracle that big happened, a star appeared in the east – my guess is that Foster would end up in the cell adjoining mine at Guantánamo Bay.

Why? Just for being critics of Trump. Literally thousands of politically engaged journalists across the globe will be in exactly the same boat. And we are the least of it. Across the world, hundreds of thousands of people who might otherwise have attended next year’s World Cup in the “land of the free” are right now cancelling plans.

Social media is awash with it, including many calls to boycott the US until it restores democracy. The whole idea of holding the World Cup in the States was to bring the “beautiful game” to an arena that, traditionally, has not been its natural home. With it would come millions of visitors.

Right now, you’d expect it to be a catastrophic failure.

Age is no handicap

A quick question, sports fans.

Weight for age, is Australia’s Kevin Donohoe the best golfer in the world? See, the former national amateur champion and captain of Australia’s winning Eisenhower Cup team in 1966 – who is now 86 years old and plays at the Magenta Shores Golf and Country Club on the Central Coast – has an official handicap of 0.3.

He now plays twice a week, and beats his age regularly, first managing the feat at the age of 69, and keeping to it for the past 17 years. The fact that he can’t remember the last time he didn’t beat his age has nothing to do with that age itself – it’s just that it happens so rarely, if ever! My research suggests he’s likely the lowest handicap for his age worldwide. For context, Jack Nicklaus, who is 85, had a handicap of 17 last year.

Work it out, please.

And I want a report, in triplicate, on my desk on Monday morning at 9am, sharp.

Life of Brian

This is not quite sport, but I don’t care. Thousands of you, over the years, will have been at sports functions involving the famous Irish comedian Brian Doyle, a beloved wreck of a man whose routine inevitably brought the house down. Go on with you, Brian.

“I went to the doctor the other day. He said, ‘You need to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of your life, Brian.’ I wouldn’t have minded, but he only gave me five ...”

Ah, sing it again, Brian, one more time for the road.

“When I die,” he would say, “I want to go peacefully, like my Grandad did, in my sleep, just nodding off. I do NOT want to go screaming and yelling ... like the passengers in the back seat!”

Well, I’m sad to say that Brian died a fortnight ago, aged 87, and they buried him last week. He was a lovely bloke. In my own early days on that same circuit, he once blew me off the stage at a function for 600 in Port Douglas. Travelling back to Cairns the next day, he gave me priceless and generous advice on how to thrive in the field, that I didn’t have the brains to use ever after, but it was still typical of him to offer it.

Vale, Brian. Good man.

All hail the Hail Mary

We’re coming up to the 50th anniversary of the birth of a famous bit of sporting vernacular, the “Hail Mary pass”.

See, it was on December 28, 1975, at Metropolitan Stadium, in Bloomington, Minnesota. It’s a freezing day, and after trailing 14-3 late in this NFC divisional play-off match, the Dallas Cowboys close to 14-10 against the Minnesota Vikings with only 32 seconds left on the clock, Dallas on the 50-yard line and facing fourth and 17, with no timeouts remaining. It’s now or never.

Dallas quarterback Roger Staubach brings his men into the huddle and makes the call: “On three ... 54 prevent, slot, hook and go.”

His men form up, and now Staubach barks: “Hut! Hut! Hut!”

Taking the snap, the quarterback drops back to the Dallas 40-yard line and unleashes a pass towards the end zone, which soars high and long as the crowd comes to its feet. Fifty yards downfield, Cowboys wide receiver Drew Pearson is running a “deep post pattern”, and at the five-yard line he turns back, helped by slightly pushing off on Vikings cornerback Nate Wright. Neither man can hear anything but the screams of the fans, still watching the ball descend. Pearson turns, and puts his hands out. The ball drops into them, and he crosses into the end zone.

Touchdown!

Cowboys 17, Vikings 14. Dallas beat the LA Rams the following weekend to make it to the Super Bowl, where they lost to the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In the dressing room afterwards, Staubach is asked about the extraordinary play. Staubach, a devout Catholic, replies: “I closed my eyes and said a Hail Mary.”

And so the term was born.

Dallas are still celebrating, with the 83-year-old Staubach and 74-year-old Pearson reuniting just this week, on the field at Dallas, for a joyous commemoration. And yet, as with everything, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

For all the joy of that pass, in far off Minnesota, two other old man have not forgotten. Wright, 77, maintains that “Push Pearson” as he is still known in Minnesota should have been called for pass interference. Wright, a two-time All-Pro is further devastated, telling ESPN: “Because that’s all I’m remembered for. All the plays I had, all the honours I’ve received have almost been whitewashed.”

His Hall of Fame teammate Paul Krause, who was right there when Pearson made the catch, feels the same: “I’m sick about it. Sick. To this day.”

Over and out

And that’s a wrap for the year! If you unwrap shortly, my key hope is that you’ll find my book on Weary Dunlop, but don’t get me started. In the meantime, you’ll find me between the flags on the fair sands of Newport Beach, a little older, a little wiser, and a little more relaxed than this time last year. Thank you for your readership this year.

What they said

Donald Trump on his ludicrous – you heard me – FIFA peace award: “Thank you very much. This is truly one of the great honours of my life. And beyond awards, Gianni and I were discussing this, we saved millions and millions of lives. The world is a safer place now.”

X user Andrew Farrell on the US wanting to do background checks on social media before allowing in visitors, something that will have a direct impact on next year’s World Cup: “Apparently you can bypass the social media checks if you take Trump a gold-wrapped chocolate medal as a ‘peace offering’ ...”

English cricket captain Ben Stokes: “There is a saying that we have said a lot here. Australia is not for weak men. A dressing room that I am captain of is not a place for weak men either. We need to dig deep, I need to dig deep.”

Stokes: “It’s definitely not a skill thing.“ Might be a heart thing, Ben?

Australia cricket coach Andrew McDonald on Nathan Lyon’s reaction to not playing in the second Test: “For him to be disappointed, I understand that, I get that. I’d be disappointed if he wasn’t disappointed.”

Steve Smith to Jofra Archer in the closing moments of the second Test: “[You] bowl fast when there’s nothing going on, champion.”

Ricky Ponting on Channel Seven’s coverage, which, it must be said, is pretty good: “Jofra’s finally come to life, six days into the series. When the second Test match is gone, he starts chirping. Too late for that, champ … Too late boys, you’ve had your chance for four days. You haven’t been good enough. It’s too late to start.”

Smith, when asked about the exchange with Archer: “He was just bowling [at] good pace, and [I’m] not really too sure what he said and not sure what I said either – and it’s not really any of your business either, so we’ll leave it out there.” Too late, for that, champ.

English coach Brendon McCullum, a Kiwi: “I always stress that the message from the captain, the message from myself, [is that] you can’t come to this country and start sulking and feeling sorry for yourself when things haven’t worked out. You can’t have a glass jaw when you tour Australia. You’ve got to stand up, you’ve got to go again, you’ve got to wear a few on the way in, and you’ve got to head towards the target.”

BBC ratings after the second Test: “Cameron Green – Was batting well in the first innings until a dismissal ugly enough to get him into the England team.”

BBC summation of Scott Boland’s effort: “Batted better than most of England’s top order.”

Ian Botham: “If I was an England supporter and had paid the money to come here, I’d be asking the ECB [England Cricket Board] for a refund. Because this team, for me, is not prepared.”

Oscar Piastri on his Formula 1 season: “When things have been good this year, I’ve felt unstoppable at points, and to even be able to get to that point is a pretty cool feeling. There has been plenty of times when that has not been the case and I think I’ve learnt a lot of lessons on how to deal with tough moments and adversity from different directions.”

Danish golfer Rasmus Neergaard-Petersen after winning the Australian Open: “I managed to just keep battling, and then to get it up and down from there, to make that putt on the last, is just, I don’t really know what to say to be honest.”

Team of the week

Zali Steggall. The Teal parliamentarian, winter Olympian and world championship gold medallist in the slalom competed in the KosciMiler 100-mile marathon a fortnight ago, and finished in 34 hours 54 minutes.

Lando Norris. Won the Formula 1 drivers championship with “our Oscar” finally finishing third. Launched like a rocket, landed like a brick.

England. Will they decide to finally turn up for the third Ashes Test in Adelaide? Joe Root was spotted in Brisbane, and I did see glimpses of Jofra Archer. Only Ben Stokes has been there throughout.

USA, Paraguay and a European team to be decided in March. These are the Socceroos’ Group D opponents at next year’s World Cup.

Mitchell Starc. The most wickets taken in an Ashes series is 46. Starc already has 18 after two Tests, with three to play. The record is held by Jim Laker, who took 19 in one match!