Memo England: Perth was sublime entertainment ... as a one-off. We’d prefer a third day in Brissie

How good is too good?

I loved that first Ashes Test. You loved that first Ashes Test.

We all loved that first Ashes Test for the swashbuckling derring-do of the whole thing, from terrified Englishman blinking in the sunlight as Mitchell Starc tears in towards them to bewildered bowlers gazing to the far reaches where Travis Head had just sent their best efforts. But now we’ve all settled down a little, can we just say it?

Jesus wept! Over in just ... two days?

It’s like a State of Origin match that only lasts 25 minutes.

Or paying to see a feature film and having the credits roll after half an hour.

It’s like voting for Barnaby Joyce as a member of the National Party only for him to do a runner six months into the term. It just feels wrong.

I, for one, am all for whupping the English like a convict caught with the governor’s wife, beating them to within an inch of their life and then two inches, but this? This was not that. This was a straight-out slaying, so fast there was not even time for a strangled call for mercy.

In sum, come on you English! Make a game of it. Put up a little ... fight.

Take it in baby steps. In Brissie, see if you can last into the third day.

By Melbourne, who knows? You might have a tail that falls over the line into a fourth day!

But right now, you aren’t paying your way. Seeing a heavyweight belt the bejesus out of a flyweight might just pass muster for one-off entertainment, but it will pale quickly if it goes on. Listen, I speak with the expertise of someone who once made 73 not out for the Knox under-14Ds.

You don’t have to flail away at every ball. Try a simple block sometimes. Straight bat, elbow up, protect the wicket. And try not to look so scared all the time. We want to get you out. But it sort of spoils it if it looks like you want to get out?

You can do this! Baby steps. Three days. Just see if you can make it to three days.

Boxing Day disaster looms if England don’t shape up

And listen, my friend Todd Greenberg, just a thought. If England do collapse in Brisbane next week, might it be time to rejig the schedule?

If the touring batsmen do not rediscover the importance of putting a price on their wicket, the marquee Tests of Melbourne and Sydney could end up dead rubbers. I guess you can’t move the MCG Test from a Boxing Day start, as so strong is that tradition that the sky truly would cave in – but maybe Sydney could get the first Test next time the Poms are Down Under?

Beyond the joy of having a live Ashes Test in this town – where the result truly counted – the other upside would be having a Test when it is not pouring for the better part of it, as always happens in the first week of January in Sydney.

True, that tradition of rain is probably England’s only chance of getting through to the fifth day, but one way or another, we need a five-day Test of wonder, just as in days of yore.

Bravo, Ben

Meantime, if I can interrupt this program of being a churlish git for one moment, bravo Ben Stokes for one thing at least. Despite the agony he must have felt after watching Travis Head pull off that extraordinary, match-winning century, the English captain lost none of his sportsmanship. When Head finally did get out, Stokes ran 50 metres to sincerely congratulate him on such a stunning knock. Bravo.

Empty Cup

The Davis Cup? Put a fork in it, and turn it over. It’s done.

As you know, six years ago, after more than a century of tradition that garnered global attention throughout the year, with home-and-away, five-set matches between competing nations, it all changed. In tennis’s answer to one-day cricket, it revamped the format so that the competition was held during November in an end-of-year “extravaganza”, with 18 teams competing at a single, neutral venue.

The result?

That’s the point. You had to look it up.

It was actually Italy who won, just last weekend. They beat Spain in the final, to lift the trophy for the third time in a row, despite never having won this century under the old format. But neither Jannik Sinner nor Carlos Alcaraz played. Seems they don’t care much either.

My vote?

Go back to the old system, but play it every two or three years. What we do know is that this format simply doesn’t work.

What they said

English captain Ben Stokes on the Travis Head assault, where he all but single-handedly slayed England with a century in 67 balls: “It was so hard to be able to continue with plans that we tried to implement, because he had an answer to everything.” Cue Mike Tyson: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.”

Head on his stunner of a century: “It’s been brewing for a bit. I thought it was the right opportunity to do it. I felt like we lined up a bit better that way. I was pretty keen to try and take some pressure off .”

England coach Brendon McCullum wants his Bazball disciples to keep the faith: “We know what our best game is, what gives us our greatest opportunity. We’ve been in this situation before ... we played South Africa and lost in two days that first Test and came back and won that series 2-1.”

Geoff Boycott is not a fan of the English cricket team: “They never learn, because they never listen to anyone outside their own bubble because they truly believe their own publicity. Now it has bitten them in an Ashes Test.”

Darren Lehmann on English fans still bringing up sandpaper gate to sledge Steve Smith: “It is only the ones that drink too much and carry on like pork chops. We did the wrong thing, accept it and move on. You try to move on the best you can. You get reminded every day, and that is part and parcel.” At what point in our rich and varied history did pork chops so disgrace themselves that they have become a byword for painful carry-on? Discuss.

English fast bowler turned commentator Stuart Broad, on his reactions to England’s implosion going viral: “I think that was exactly how every England cricket fan felt, if I’m honest. You just wanted to close your eyes for 10 seconds and just hope it wasn’t true, what you were watching. That got clipped up and put on social media and turned into a bit of a GIF.”

Jake Paul, whoever he is, on his upcoming fight against Anthony Joshua, whoever that is: “He’s going to have to kill me to stop me, and I’m ready to die. Seriously. Ready to die in the ring to win this fight.” Zzzzzzz. Stop the fight! And as a matter of fact, stop hitting each other in the head. It never ends well.

Luc Longley on Josh Giddey’s season with the Chicago Bulls: “Obviously we don’t want to compare him with Michael [Jordan], but appetite for competition – were it to be ‘statted’ – I think Josh is elite.”

Wallabies skipper Harry Wilson, after the final close-but-no-cigar Test of the season, a defeat to France: “I just feel disappointed that we probably let our group down with the results. If there’s a lot of criticism back home, I’ve been trying not to look at that sort of stuff because it’s quite crippling if you keep looking at that.”

Sarah Walsh, former Matilda and chief operating officer for the upcoming Women’s Asian Cup, where Matildas fever will likely take off once more: “Some parts of the market have been waiting for this bubble to burst for the Matildas, and it hasn’t happened yet.”

Wests Tigers CEO Shane Richardson: “Perth have to stand on their own two feet, there should be no salary cap concessions whatsoever. If they can’t make a go of it, it’s a poor situation, especially in a one-team town. There are nine clubs operating in Sydney. It’s bullshit on every level if they think they’re going to get concessions.” Oh, and welcome to the NRL!

Cameron Smith, now ranked No.345 in the world, on his poor year after he missed another cut last week: “It’s kind of been the story of the year, I guess I thought I’ve played better than what I’ve scored.”

Team of the week

Australian cricket team. In the First Ashes Test, they put England to the sword with moustachioed braggadocio in under two days.

Wallabies. Statistically, they had a very ordinary spring tour, losing all four Tests. However, against Ireland and France, they really did play some stupendous rugby. I maintain that this is the year the foundation stones for a great team have been laid.

Socceroos. Speaking of draws, their World Cup draw is early next Saturday morning.

Oscar Piastri. Looks like his Formula 1 title hopes are all but gone.

Italy. Won the Davis Cup for the third year in a row. How did you not know that? It’s almost like no-one cares?

RIP Allan Moffat. The four-time Bathurst champion died, aged 86. He was quite the legend in his day.

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