‘I’m done with the Eagles!’: Things to do today instead of watching West Coast

Hours after the Eagles were pecked to death by the Swans – you don’t need to be David Attenborough to see the irony in that – my AFL-loving friends on Facebook exploded.

There was enough steam coming of their ears to froth a cappuccino.

“I’m done with the Eagles!” declared one especially enraged fan who I pictured yanking his foot out of the television set before taking to his keyboard.

As a Dockers follower (rather than fan) I’ve lived through many years of disappointment as they promised much and delivered not much.

But I’ve never felt such outrage directed at an AFL club for its failures (there wasn’t this much anger when the Eagles were embroiled in a drug scandal).

And it is only going to get worse, according to my erudite Nine colleague Paddy Sweeney, who has been documenting the struggles of the wounded Eagles like a zoologist at Perth Zoo.

Paddy tells me that if the Eagles get out of Sunday’s game against St Kilda with anything less than a 10-goal loss it will be a triumph. Expect a ticker-tape parade down St George’s Terrace, says Paddy.

While it is sad to see the once mighty Eagles so totally plucked – well, sad in a funny kind of way – it is the perfect time for fans to keep their blood pressure at a healthy level and give the game a miss.

Instead of going to Optus Stadium or sitting in front of the television why not get out and enjoy some of the things that elevated Perth to the 12th most liveable city in the world?

Here are my suggestions of things to do instead of abusing the Eagles.

GO TO A MOVIE

There are plenty of films currently showing that are both an entertaining distraction from the expected Optus bloodbath and loudly disgruntled, despairing West Coast supporters.

There’s No Hard Feelings, in which an Uber-driving bombshell played by Jennifer Lawrence helps a nerdy kid overcome his fears and throw himself into the game of life (Jennifer would be perfect for the WCE coaching staff); there’s The Flash, a superhero movie about the fastest youngster in the world (he’d be a handy addition to the Eagles’ mid-field); and Indiana Jones and Dial of Destiny, in which the 80-year-old Harrison Ford shows more chutzpah than those Eagles on Hollywood salaries.

However, my recommendation for Eagles fans is You Hurt My Feelings, in which Julia Louis-Dreyfus (of Seinfeld fame) plays a New York novelist whose precious world is shattered when she overhears her husband tell his brother-in-law that his wife’s new book is terrible.

This very funny film about not speaking the truth to loved ones for fear of hurting their feelings should resonate with West Coast supporters, who believe it’s time for the board to have a serious sit down with management.

RENT ONE OF BAZ’S E-SCOOTERS

Eagles followers must be thoroughly sick of their players chasing down the opposition.

So instead of yelling at them to run harder why not channel that energy into riding one of the e-scooters currently being trialled by the City of Perth?

St George’s Terrace is usually quiet on a Sunday, so it is the perfect time to race from the Kings Park end in the direction of Optus Stadium, where St Kilda will likely be adding to their percentage at West Coast’s expense.

However, before you get near the Optus debacle do a U-turn and head back to the CBD.

You don’t want to catch a case of the stumbles while riding a scooter.

STAY HOME AND STREAM A SERIES

There is so much on television nowadays you may never, ever have to watch another Eagles game. Just binge and forget.

I recommend starting with Succession, which is about an ageing CEO who refuses to resign despite a series of scandals and pressure from those close to him to go (do I really need to make the connection for you?)

I would then move on to White Lotus, a great comedy that pokes fun at the wealthy and the pampered and their failure to contribute anything of lasting value. It’s always fun laughing at those with too much money and too little talent.

And to round out the afternoon of bingeing I would dip into Ted Lasso, a celebrated comedy about a hapless British soccer team whose fortunes are turned around by an American gridiron coach (played by Jason Sudeikis) whose innovative management idea is being nice.

Wags will no doubt say that the makers of Ted Lasso stole the idea from the Eagles, only they tacked on a happy ending. Adam Simpson should demand royalties.

GO TO A CONCERT

Eagles fans desperate to forget another thrashing should head to the Astor Theatre in Mt Lawley for a gig by British hitmakers 10cc (thank heavens it was not 10cc’s fellow 70s icons, The Eagles).

You will be encouraged to forget footy and turn to another sport (I Don’t Like Cricket – I Love It); ponder the mystery of how the richest team in the league can be languishing at the bottom of the ladder (The Wall Street Shuffle); contemplate the agony of being loyal to a team that just gives you grief (The Things We Do for Love); and face the fact that relationships do end (I’m Not In Love).

Most resonant of all will be Rubber Bullets, which will be what those fans planning to overturn the board and the management and hold the coach and players to account will face.

SPEND THE AFTERNOON IN FREMANTLE

Paddy and the other AFL experts tell me that it will be many years before the Eagles fly back to the top of the mountain.

So I would suggest that despairing fans turn their gaze southward and spend the afternoon in the heartland of a team they may be forced to support while the boys of the Eagles grow into men.

I would suggest parking your car near South Beach and take a stroll up South Terrace toward the West End, stopping for a coffee and a cake on arguably the coolest strip in the city, picking up a loaf of bread at the wonderful Wild Bakery and a beer at the Sail and Anchor and ending up in Vin Populi, which my colleague Rob Broadfield gave a rave review.

I realise that a stroll around Fremantle on a lovey sunny Sunday afternoon is for a die-hard Eagles supporter akin to a therapy session in which a patient is forced to face what they hate most.

But the Eagles are so bad for your well-being – for your blood pressure, your mental health, your sense of self-worth – that an afternoon at the Fremantle Markets and out of earshot of updates is just what is needed.

Get the day’s breaking news, entertainment ideas and a long read to enjoy. Sign up to receive our Evening Edition newsletter here.