Your child’s ATAR is not a reflection on your parenting: How parents can stay calm during VCE stress

Anxiety is running high as thousands of Victorian teenagers are getting ready for a string of final exams before they leave high school forever. But there’s one cohort just as stressed as the kids: their parents.

Some students have already completed their music, language or dance exams, but anyone who wants an ATAR will begin with the mandatory English exam on Tuesday.

Child psychiatrist Paul Denborough, the director of three Headspace centres run by Alfred Health, which offer mental health support for young people, said his team usually had an increase in calls during VCE exams.

Denborough is also the father of a student going through VCE year 12 and understands that the parents can be just as anxious.

“[As a parent] I find it stressful,” he said.

“You want your child to do well, she wants to do well. You’re a bit helpless. It’s like the last 50 metres of a marathon. I’m trying to do everything I can to support her.”

Parents, he said, needed to stay calm and grounded, “understanding that kids might not be their best selves because they are stressed and worried”.

He said it was normal to feel stressed and anxious around this time, and this was a good opportunity to learn strategies on how they can best manage stress, lessons they will use throughout their life.

“Definitely don’t hassle them about working harder. They will be fully aware of the situation they are in, and they don’t need reminding,” Denborough said.

“We need to be open and listening when they tell us what they need and take them seriously.”

Headspace Youth Advisory Council member Serena Jiang, who did her VCE exams in 2021, said two years of prolonged stress would drive anyone crazy.

“When talking to students in workshops, their experiences have been feeling detached from reality, losing the ability to concentrate. They feel like they are going bonkers, that’s how they describe VCE,” she said.

“They feel like they aren’t in their own skin any more. Loose and floaty.”

With VCE marked on a bell curve, the forced feelings of comparison and competitiveness were challenging. She encouraged students to stay away from Reddit, TikTok or social media, where students compare how many hours or how intensely they were studying, to avoid feeling inadequate.

She said some students might feel they didn’t have time to take breaks, but parents could encourage them to.

At Kolbe Catholic College in Greenvale Lakes, students in year 11 and 12 had a strong social and emotional learning program throughout the last two years of school.

Deputy principal of teaching and learning Adam Gonzalez said consistent study throughout the year was important, but in the last few weeks, students should schedule their study, maintain good sleep, exercise, eat well and continue to socialise or spend time with family.

Gonzalez recommended students use active recall, which included practice exams or activities that get them to draw information from their long-term memory, rather than passively reading notes or listening to lectures.

He knew some students would be feeling flat or discouraged at how the year had gone, but he said putting in any effort was worthwhile.

“Every single question they do, every five minutes of extra study is one step closer to one point. It all matters. It’s worth putting in all their effort now, and not to give up,” he said.

He said parents played an important role in these last few weeks and that gentle pressure was helpful but pushing them too hard could make them feel like “there’s no point, game over”.

“Parents would know their kids well, encouraging them to stay focused is really good, but if parents are expecting them to change the way they work drastically in these next two weeks – that’s going to be unrealistic.”

Kolbe Catholic College year 12 wellbeing captain Isabella Taylor, 18, agreed, and said too much parental pressure could make things worse.

“It’s either they end up not caring and rebelling against them or having so much stress and anxiety that they can’t function any more and end up being disappointed in their result,” she said.

She said it was important parents believe their children when they said they were struggling with their mental health and not dismiss it as a teenage phase.

To study, she uses flashcards, active recall, practice questions from past exams and mind maps, and takes frequent study breaks without her phone.

Tania Ghasriani, who finished VCE in 2019, encouraged parents to talk about anything other than VCE with their children.

“A lot of parents think they have to do something groundbreaking or something special to support them. Something as simple as listening goes a long way,” she said.

She also said parents should manage their own stress around VCE. “We are doing our best, it’s a very stressful time, seeing them stressed doesn’t help us at all and it can be quite toxic at times.”

For students, she said it was important to remember VCE was not the only marker of success.

“You are worth it despite your score, despite how much you study,” she said.

Jacqui Peters, senior lecturer at Deakin University’s School of Education, said while an important starting point, ATAR was a measure that would be forgotten in a few years.

“[Your ATAR] is not a tattoo on your forehead or an indelible mark that they will carry around for life,” she said.

Peters warned parents to avoid comparing their experiences with their child’s when it comes to going through final exams.

“The pressures seem to be much greater these days, and the world, a much faster-paced environment,” she said.

“Your child’s VCE score is not a reflection of your parenting.”

She said it was important to understand that each child would need something different during the exam period.

Headspace provides early intervention mental health services for people aged between 12 and 25. It also runs free counselling online via eHeadspace. There are also parent information sessions on how to best support your VCE student.

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