The butcher, the fashion choice and the old job: The real red flags in Erin Patterson’s claims

Dear members of the Erin Patterson mushroom jury, since you have been very busy listening to months of evidence in the Supreme Court in Morwell, I thought I would drop you a note on what you have missed now that you have completed your duty.

Israel and Iran fought a war that lasted just over two weeks, the US is reviewing our $368 billion submarine contract, Elon Musk and Donald Trump fell out of love, the federal Liberal Party elected Sussan Ley as its leader, Tasmania announced a state election – and it finally rained.

Oh, and we got a new police chief commissioner and a new pope.

The jury was empanelled on April 29 and delivered its verdict on July 7, having deliberated for seven days.

For more than 40 days, the jurors listened to evidence. In that time, they could have watched every episode of Seinfeld (180) and every episode of Cheers (273) and still had time to buy popcorn. Coincidentally, it is about the same time for the quickest yacht trip around the world.

Patterson spent eight days in the witness box answering questions from her own lawyers and the prosecution. To put that in perspective: in 1969, it took Neil Armstrong about the same time to fly to the moon, stretch his legs on the surface, make his “one small step ...” speech, fly back, and splash down in the sea.

In the witness box, Patterson dabbed her cheeks with a tissue, although there were no apparent tears. Perhaps she was suffering hay fever from nearby dairy pastures.

The defence, prosecution and the judge spent 10 days summarising the case. The 1940 Dunkirk evacuation, which resulted in the extraction of 338,000 troops from France, took nine days.

The judge’s summary ran to 330 pages. The Australian Constitution is 102 pages. The court transcript ran to 3600 pages. The Bible is about 1200 pages.

There were expert witnesses aplenty, but perhaps they missed a trick by not calling a fashion guru. Patterson repeatedly testified that she suffered “explosive diarrhoea”, yet she was filmed wearing white pants at the time.

White pants for a misbehaving bottom are a red flag.

Patterson was asked a million questions, but there were a couple I would have liked to have heard her answer. The beef Wellington recipe called for one large eye fillet. Patterson explained that she shopped at the Leongatha Woolworths, which only had pre-cut steaks, so she bought four double packs, making six individual Wellingtons and freezing the remaining two.

Right across the road from Woolworths in McNamara Place is Leongatha Fresh Meat and Fish Supplies, where one of the friendly staff could have cut an eye fillet to size.

A butcher there said Patterson was not a regular customer, although she did visit once after the fatal lunch. “She bought some loin chops.”

Before marrying and moving to Leongatha, she was an air traffic controller. Applicants are told they need the following attributes: “Good spatial awareness and strong mathematical skills, excellent communication skills, the ability to work well under pressure and make quick, accurate decisions, the capability to plan ahead, as well as adapt to changing situations, enjoying taking charge and being accountable for your actions and decisions.”

Patterson said her decisions to lie and destroy evidence were based on panic and the belief she would wrongly be blamed for the deaths. So she could help land a jumbo with a dead engine in the fog, but couldn’t tell the truth to the cops.

The jury was infected with colds – some wore masks – and at times struggled with the daily grind.

Little wonder. The generally accepted psychological rule is that the average adult can concentrate for 10 to 15 minutes at a time, not 10 to 15 weeks. Professional speakers, comics, university lecturers and Bourke Street buskers know to deliver their best bits early.

In December 1941, president Franklin D. Roosevelt’s war declaration of “a date which will live in infamy” took four minutes.

Winston Churchill’s first address to the House of Commons as prime minister, “I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat”, took five minutes.

The Gettysburg Address lasted two minutes and was 10 sentences long.

Julius Caesar was even more succinct when describing a Roman war victory. “Veni, vidi, vici” – I came, I saw, I conquered.

Clearly, he was not a lawyer, as many (who are paid by the hour) have a different view. Put a witness in the box and ask them the same question as many times as possible, until they falter.

Fatigue them until they make a mistake. Prosecutors are pythons that slowly squeeze their prey into submission.

Or the legal version of Muhammad Ali’s rope-a-dope: letting your opponent punch themselves out before attacking.

In every court case, there are mysteries; with this one, it begins with location. Why was the case shifted to Morwell, a town 150 kilometres from Melbourne, to a court that had only six media seats and required lawyers, police and witnesses to complete the 300-kilometre round trip multiple times, eating into the sitting times, with the trial regularly ending early on a Friday to allow staff to return to the city?

Morwell is the sister city to Japan’s Takasago, remains an important part of the power grid and has reared many favourite sons, including world champion boxer Rocky Mattioli and Hawthorn cult figure Changkuoth “CJ” Jiath.

(An interesting, if irrelevant, fact: former Hawthorn star Jarryd Roughead was at the Leongatha tip the same day Patterson dumped her dehydrator there.)

But the citizens of Morwell are not renowned for their knowledge of the production of beef Wellingtons or the rules of jurisprudence. With such a small population, it would be easier to identify the jurors who have disappeared from their jobs for 10 weeks.

If we work on the fact that 12 legal staff, four police, 30 witnesses and 50 media attended the trial from Melbourne (one crew even built a stage), it works out that they have travelled 211,000 kilometres to and from the Gippsland town by road or rail, accruing about $6697.32 in toll fees. It is the equivalent of travelling from the North Pole to the South Pole more than 10 times.

With about 70 interested parties staying in Morwell five nights a week, it would have been a mini winter boom for hospitality, flushing more than $10 million into the economy. If everyone chose the pub dinner option, it would add up to 3500 roasts of the day, fisherman’s baskets, chicken schnitzels and mushroom risottos.

If everyone had a local pale ale or two glasses of wine with their meal, that would total 1487 litres of beer and 2133 bottles of wine.

The media pack had to change digs because the accommodation was pre-booked for a national ping-pong contest, meaning they moved into the same motel as the jury.

You simply can’t make this stuff up.

John Silvester lifts the lid on Australia’s criminal underworld. Subscribers can sign up to receive his Naked City newsletter every Thursday.