I’ve found the perfect spot for Albo and Jodie’s getaway

For a prime minister with a large majority, nothing spells hubris better than a poorly chosen holiday destination. Anthony Albanese and his fiancee Jodie Haydon are reportedly planning their first break since the federal election. Here’s some free advice on do’s and don’ts, go’s and no-go’s, whys and why nots.

Foreign destinations

Hawaii: Never. Not now, not ever.

Mar-a-Lago, Florida: Literally “Sea to Lake”, it sounds so very classy. With cheating-friendly golf courses, on-site Botox, gold-plated toilets and in-room pumps to fill your own tyres, it’s cashed-up bogan nirvana. It might also offer you your best chance of ever meeting the US president or Gina Rinehart. On the other hand, payment is only accepted in cryptocurrency and Nobel Peace Prize nominations.

Anywhere in the US: Opinions differ on this. Some see visiting the country as endorsing a dictatorship. Others remember that 66 per cent of American people have never voted for Donald Trump, and that there is endless appeal in the US’s natural and cultural sites, if they have staff to operate them, which they don’t. For the PM, though, safety must come first. To be arrested at immigration, questioned by ICE and put on the first return flight for a historic deleted social media repost would be seen as unbecoming. Plus, Trump already thinks you’re stalking him.

Bali: We know that the NRL is your favourite sport, and selfies with league players your favourite pastime. But selfies with NRL players in Bali in October? Only if you want your approval ratings to go down like a turd in a Jacuzzi with Ben Roberts-Smith.

PNG: The current travel advice from the Department of Foreign Affairs is “Yellow: Exercise a high degree of caution in Papua New Guinea overall due to high levels of serious crime.” But you have committed $600 million to sending the NRL there, so maybe you should go, on the basis of not sending Australians anywhere you wouldn’t go yourself. PNG tourism would love the boost. Plus, you didn’t get a result last time you went.

China: After your recent “working holiday” there, you’ve probably seen enough. Two other words of warning: Dan, Andrews.

Palestine: A politician getting first-hand experience of what they talk so much about could be life-altering. During World War II, Franklin D. Roosevelt was profoundly changed by seeing combat zones when he visited the Soviet Union for the 1945 Yalta peace conference. If a few more leaders got beyond what they see on television, the world would be a different place. How do you recognise it if you don’t recognise it? On the other hand, it might be hard for an Australian to get in and out, especially by boat.

The Arctic ice cap: Trying to find it might also connect you with reality.

Anywhere on Jetstar: Speaking of ice, a personal word for the PM after my recent Jetstar flight to East Asia. Everything was fine – own food, own entertainment, paid for an exit-row seat for the legroom. And then they cranked up the air-conditioning enough to stop an ice cube from melting. Unable to benefit from my extra legroom and get some sleep, I asked the crew for a blanket. “Sure, that’ll be $15.” So unless you want to be extorted by A/C, PM, think about it.

This leaves:

Domestic destinations

Kyle Sandilands’ holiday pad: Attending Sandilands’ wedding in 2022 was one of the few times you’ve appeared not to care what 99 per cent of the population thinks. Maybe it was genuine goodwill for a mate, and no doubt the pad would be offered for free, but remember, you don’t know what’s been done on that couch.

Copacabana: The Albanese holiday/retirement home is reportedly rented out. During a housing crisis, it’s not a good look to punt the tenant.

Any Airbnb or short-term rental: See housing crisis above. A prime minister wants to be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

Portsea: Harold Holt.

Gippsland: OK outside mushroom season.

Mount Isa, Whyalla: Might appeal, but your hero’s welcome will be as temporary as your mine bailouts.

Unspoilt Australian coastal towns: Nothing loses votes as fast as prime ministers putting an Australian paradise “on the map” by spending their holidays there. Tony Abbott lost the Berrara vote by going there in summer, and lost his own seat by going to Manly. Kevin Rudd bought a place in Noosa, which might have been a well-conceived plan to take the place off the map, but it didn’t work. Please, PM, don’t go to ------, ------ or anywhere on the coast between ------ and ------. You don’t want to be the one who turned today’s ------ into tomorrow’s Byron Bay.

Spoilt Australian coastal towns: There’s a sweet spot that syncs a PM’s public image with his or her holiday destination. John Howard found it with Hawks Nest, where the dag factor of the place matched perfectly with his own. You want somewhere nice but not above your station. You might want to get clearance from News Corp first. So for Albo, it can be Batemans Bay but not Broulee, Gerringong but not Gerroa, Ballina but not Byron or Bangalow, Coffs but not Crescent. Who said there were no class distinctions in Australia?

The answer: PM, you thought you were just taking a break, but there’s so much to think about, so many advisers and meetings; do any of these choices sound like a holiday? Then there’s security, transport, guaranteed access to Triple Zero calls for emergencies … none of which sounds relaxing. It only leaves one answer. A place with live music, great coffee and food, a living culture, a new library, an RSL and Recreation Club, and lawn tennis. Enough traffic to slow you right down to a holiday pace of life. Street parking, secure borders and a friendly population where your Rabbitohs jersey fits right in. Have a proper break, PM. There’s nothing you can find anywhere in the world that Marrickville hasn’t got.

Malcolm Knox is a journalist, author and Herald columnist.

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