‘You won’t get along with every therapist’: How to find a good one

I was catching up with a friend this summer when her voice broke. Over cocktails, she said she was ready to go ‘no contact’ with her narcissistic father. She said every interaction with him, even phone calls, had become a source of pain as he would devalue, invalidate, minimise and gaslight her as he pleased.

Fed up with the dynamic, she was ready to find a great therapist who would help her put a stop to the toxicity. My friend explained she’d tried five therapists already but they’d all disappointed her. The last therapist she saw told her “at least your father gave you pocket money as a child, so he can’t be that bad”.

She never went back. And she hasn’t tried another therapist since.

Despondent, my friend took a few more sips of her drink and then asked: “I don’t understand, why is it this hard to find a quality therapist?”

It’s tough. As a client, you want to find a therapist you connect with but who also challenges you. It’s a fine line and a tricky find.

There’s also the matter of waiting periods. Therapists are almost always booked, and securing sessions with them as a new client can mean waiting for weeks, if not months.

But mostly, in searching for a great therapist, the biggest hurdle can be finding one who “gets it”. One who understands what you’re saying without you needing to belabour the point while the clock is ticking.

So what should we look out for when trying to find a great therapist?

“The term ‘therapist,’ is not a protected title in Australia, so those seeking support may experience a great deal of variability depending on the ‘type’ of therapist they seek out, their qualifications and the requirements of their discipline,” says Jade Sheen, associate professor in clinical psychology at Deakin University.

Most importantly, Dori Kabillo, psychologist and director of Nexus Psychology, says it’s often about human nature.

“You don’t get along with everyone you meet – likewise, you won’t get along with every therapist you meet. However, a thorough intake process can help increase the chances of matching clients with a therapist they would click with,” she says.

Kabillo says if people have had a hard time finding a good therapist they should talk to another practice to figure out what could work instead.

“Through the intake process, we find out what’s worked for you in the past and what hasn’t. We also ask some important questions to ensure we have the best chance of getting it right,” she says.

“For example, if someone says, ‘I spoke but the therapist didn’t give me any information at all, they just let me talk,’ then we would know we need to match you with someone who is much more involved with conversation, and who gives a lot of strategy.”

Recently, a colleague grieving the loss of his maternal uncle shared that he’d been having similar challenges with therapy. On a park bench with our water bottles in hand, he explained how horrible his first (and probably last) therapy session had been. The session was in the therapist’s home office. It was conducted with the door wide open and the therapist’s family members constantly passing by, able to hear everything being discussed. He, too, never returned.

“It’s such a shame when someone in need tries therapy and they are disappointed,” says Kabillo. “If a client rings and tells me they’ve had a bad therapy experience elsewhere, I would really congratulate them for giving it another go and for making another attempt to get help.”

Professor Sheen says confidentiality in therapy is paramount and there are laws and guidelines that must be met. “This should be discussed with clients on commencement of therapy, and resources made available if clients have further questions.”

“But ultimately, when seeking a therapist, you should leave your first session with a sense of hope, a feeling that you have been heard and that you have a collaborative plan regarding the next steps. However, should you have concerns with how your session was run, you can raise them with the therapist as there may be context to the behaviour. But if you don’t get a satisfactory response, consider leaving.”

When I brought up this topic to an older, more experienced friend, he shook his head and said, “Great therapists? They certainly exist, but they’re very hard to find. It’s mainly a matter of trial and error.”

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