The politics of ghosting: When is it not OK?

From All Too Well to Dear John, Taylor Swift’s songs are known for their reflections on love and relationships gone bad. It’s a common theme in her songwriting, and despite her newly engaged status, Swift still touches on relationships past, including her experience of being ghosted, which she sings about on the track Actually Romantic from her new album.

Ghosting is when a person unilaterally and abruptly ends communication with another, disappearing from their life without explanation or closure. And while we don’t hear any more details about Swift’s experience of being ghosted in the album, it does raise questions about the politics of ghosting: Is it OK to ghost someone? Are there rules we should follow? And if we ghost someone, can we come back?

Who can be ghosted? And what impact can it have?

While ghosting is often associated with the ending of romantic relationships, it can also occur in other contexts, says Associate Professor Megan Willis, from the Australian Catholic University’s school of behavioural and health sciences.

“Research shows it also happens in … friendships, and even within families,” she says, with one study revealing that 38.6 per cent of people have been ghosted by a friend, while another study showed almost 45 per cent of job candidates had been ghosted by a recruiter after an initial conversation.

While relatively common, this behaviour can be harmful. Being ghosted, especially in a close or long-term relationship, can trigger a wide range of grief-like emotions, self-blame and feelings of worthlessness, Willis says.

“People who ghost often say they do so to spare the other person the pain of rejection, but for many it’s the uncertainty and lack of closure that hurts the most,” she says.

Relationships Australia NSW chief executive Dr Elisabeth Shaw agrees, saying that ghosting is often used as an “easy out”, a way to end a relationship without having that tough conversation, explaining what went wrong and thus providing closure.

“There’s plenty of research now around behaviours, such as giving someone the silent treatment comes across as quite sadistic, harmful and cruel,” Shaw says. “It can make the person receiving the silent treatment feel minimised, diminished, inconsequential and of no value. Ghosting is another form of that.”

So, if ghosting is harmful, is there ever a situation that warrants it? And what social obligations do we have before we ghost someone?

“There are definitely situations when ghosting is understandable,” Willis says.

“For instance, if someone is harassing you, refusing to respect boundaries, or the situation feels unsafe or abusive, cutting off contact can be an act of self-protection rather than avoidance.”

Why are some forms of ghosting viewed as acceptable while others are not?

Clinical psychologist Dr Rebecca Ray says that when it comes to whether ghosting is viewed as acceptable or not, context matters.

“We tend to judge dating ghosting more harshly, yet quietly stepping back from a draining or unsafe friendship is often seen as more socially acceptable, especially if a direct conversation feels unsafe or could cause more harm,” she says.

The length of a relationship can also come into play, with short-term or low-investment relationships deemed more acceptable to ghost in, such as when you’ve exchanged only a few messages on a dating app.

“But once you’ve gone on dates, made plans, or formed an ongoing relationship, the kinder and more mature option is to send, at the very least, a brief message explaining that you don’t wish to pursue or continue the relationship, so they’re not left wondering,” Willis says.

A useful guide is the role-reversal test.

“If you’d appreciate a short message if roles were reversed, send one. But if there’s a history of volatility, manipulation or abuse, it’s important to prioritise your safety,” Willis says.

If this is not the case, the consensus is: ghosting is not OK.

“If it’s safe to do so, we owe others a clear, kind, brief message,” she says.

Can ghosting victims deserve it?

Like ghosters, those who have been ghosted, especially by family members, face assumptions as to why it happened that can include the view that it was deserved. This occurs because there’s no explanation, so our minds fill in the blanks – sometimes blaming ourselves.

“It taps into our fear of rejection,” Ray says.

She says that ghosting usually reflects the other person’s capacity to manage discomfort or conflict, “not your worth”.

Can you come back after ghosting someone?

Whether it was appropriate or not, if you have ghosted someone and later decide that you would like to re-enter their life, this can only be achieved by accountability.

“It’s not enough to reappear,” Ray says.

“There needs to be a clear acknowledgment of what happened and why, and a demonstration that things would be different now.”

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