The art of letting go: How to declutter when someone dies

Let’s face it: decluttering is exhausting. Having made the big decision to tackle the “keep, discard or donate” process, depending on the size of the job, you’re then making hundreds of micro-decisions regarding what should happen to each and every item.

The pay-off, though, is the pleasure you will have enjoying a blissfully tidy and streamlined environment to live in. But not all decluttering tasks are the same. When someone dies, it’s usually left to those closest to them to sort through their estate. And in addition to the physical labour, it’s often an emotionally draining exercise working through your grief, as well as decision-making.

Here’s a quick guide to making the job a little easier.

Don’t do it alone

Whether you ask family members or call on a friend to assist, this really is a situation where a burden shared is a burden halved. Aside from having another body to help with decision-making and moving boxes, it’s an opportunity to share memories associated with the objects you’re sorting through. Kristina Duke, from Decluttering Diva, specialises in helping clients clear estates, and she says part of her role is just to be present.

“It hits everyone differently, but most people just want to tell their story while they’re going through stuff, and I am the witness to it,” she says. “I feel quite honoured to hear these stories and be the holder of the information. You have a cup of tea and let them process it.”

A helping hand with experience in the best ways to move items on for donation or to be discarded responsibly will also lessen the load.

Do it in your own time

There’s no set timeline to clearing out a home when you’re still grieving. For some, it will be a welcome distraction from their sadness, part of the admin associated with someone’s passing, including closing accounts and changing addresses. For others, it can seem rushed, especially if there’s a necessity to put the property on the market.

Duke says she has worked for clients who have started clearing properties when a relative is in palliative care, as well as those who are tackling the task years after their loved one has died.

“For some people, it is just a case of ‘get it out’ but for others, it is a very slow therapeutic process,” she says. “I have worked with clients where things were delayed being done [around the house] because the person has been sick for a long time.”

The art of letting (not quite everything) go

Letting go of possessions can be difficult at the best of times but when they belonged to someone dear who has recently passed, they are even more emotionally charged. If you’re having trouble letting go, Duke says it’s worth thinking about the intentions of the person you’ve lost.

“My parents have this fancy blue and gold dinner set from a great aunt. It’s been shipped from England to Canada and then Australia and my parents have only used it a couple of times, and I know I will barely use it,” she says.

Instead of trying to keep the entire service, Duke says it is perfectly fine to keep one piece, such as a jug you know you would use and enjoy.

“I’m sure my parents would not want to burden me. I don’t think anyone wants to burden their family,” she says. “When you consider that – what would your family member want? – it helps with the decision-making process.”

It’s also fine to admit that your loved one’s furniture and other goods are not to your taste or are simply impractical.

Avoiding declutterer’s regret

“Declutterer’s regret” is the wish that you had held onto something that you’ve sent on its way. Some experts suggest putting things away for a while to lessen the emotional attachment but in the end, there’s no guarantee that you won’t get rid of something you may later wish you hadn’t.

It’s less likely to happen though, if you’ve taken the time to sort through things, say your goodbyes and move on.

Honouring the past

Just because you’re clearing out a property doesn’t mean you can’t honour the person you’ve recently farewelled. Duke says there are several ways to repurpose or move on items thoughtfully, which can range from donating them to a cause close to your loved one’s heart, or taking something of theirs and making it into something you’ll find useful.

“It could be a shirt being turned into a pillow or taking a few favourite T-shirts and making them into a quilt,” says Duke. “It’s finding a way to honour them so you get to enjoy the items rather than boxing them up and putting them away.”

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