Sex between friends: Is it as uncomplicated as it sounds?

Emma Medeiros made a special friend decades ago while she was at university. Ultimately, Adam Caldow would become her best friend, and also her “friend with benefits” – slang for a friendship that becomes sexual but not romantic.

“We wanted to lose our virginity, but neither of us knew what we were doing,” says Medeiros, who is now 44. “So we thought, ‘This is a good match. We won’t be embarrassed if we’re with someone else who doesn’t know what they’re doing.’ ”

From that point on, sex became part of their friendship, no strings attached. “We really made it clear to each other – this is a physical thing,” she says.

There’s anecdotal evidence that Medeiros and her friend are not alone. But there’s also plenty of anecdotal evidence to suggest that navigating these arrangements can be dicey. Therapists and others are quick to point out the shortfalls of such relationships and to warn people to prepare for, at best, complications, and at worst, destroying the friendship.

Proponents say friends with benefits relationships are like zero-calorie sweeteners: all the pleasures without the drawbacks. Critics say the empty calories will come back to haunt both participants unless they set clear emotional boundaries.

In Medeiros’ case, she and Caldow dated other people. “And thank God we did,” she says. But after two years they realised they wanted to be with each other more than anyone else. “The funniest thing was, when we finally did tell our friends we were a couple, not one single person was surprised. Everyone was like, ‘Well, it’s about freaking time.’ ”

They got married in 2012 and have been together since.

A study published last year in Women’s Studies International Forum journal said such relationships are getting more popular, especially among young adults, and that casual sex may be happening more often between friends than strangers. The three psychology researchers in Portugal who wrote the study attributed that to accessibility, safety, trust, an ease in understanding one’s partner’s feelings, and an ability to still hang out and do friendly activities.

But it’s not all sunshine and non-committal fun. Another study, from the University of Delhi, said such relationships were also “fraught with emotional complexities, as evidenced by unexpected feelings and conflicts mirroring those in traditional romantic relationships”.

Researchers in that study wrote, “The emotional toll of [such] relationships manifested in stress, anxiety and unhealthy coping mechanisms underscored the need for caution and self-awareness when entering such arrangements.”

Whether such a relationship will work depends a lot on the context for it, says Shay Thomas, a licensed marriage and family therapist. A successful relationship depends on the participants’ motivations and how aligned they are. It also requires impeccable communication.

“Is each person deciding to do this because they’re going through a dry spell, or is this some kind of reactive rebound situation?” says Thomas. “Is it a decision related to avoiding intimacy? Or maybe you don’t have time for a relationship, but you want to enjoy sex from a pleasure standpoint.”

Ultimately, Thomas doesn’t consider these relationships to have staying power: “By and large, I believe it’s more likely to cause complications and heartbreak and confusion, and kind of rupture the friendship.”

Tracey Laszloffy, a marriage and family therapist, also doesn’t believe the arrangements have a long shelf life and that when they end, it’s usually because one person’s expectations changes. “I think that happens more times than not. The problem is when you think you didn’t want this to go any place too intense, and then you find that changes. And then jealousy starts to creep in, and you’re thinking, ‘That wasn’t where I thought we were going with this.’ ”

While anyone can start having feelings for a friend, Laszloffy has seen more women than men get emotionally invested. And then you have people like Natasha Ho. In her case, her former friend with benefits is still a friend, though there are no “benefits” now. But it took years to get to there.

While they were still in the benefits stage, there was a period when Ho wondered whether they should start a romantic relationship, but her friend didn’t feel the same. And then, when she moved on, the friend became jealous and angry and the friendship soured.

“There were a lot of great qualities that I enjoyed about him,” says Ho, 38. “But I think the timing just never was there for us to actually be in a committed romantic relationship. And then I found someone I had the right relationship with, and the timing was right, and the personality was right, and that they wanted the same thing I wanted.”

What she wanted was children, she said, while her friend did not. He also changed jobs frequently, while she craved stability. “When I look back at it now, I realise that in terms of long-term goals and lifestyle, those kinds of things, we didn’t have that compatibility. We had great friendship compatibility, but in terms of the kind of life we were trying to build long term, we didn’t have that.”

It took Ho three attempts over three years to rekindle the friendship. Now her former friend with benefits is even going on a vacation with Ho, along with her husband and two children.

Laszloffy says one of the main reasons friends-with-benefits relationships end is because one of the people involved has started dating someone. “They’ve met someone, and they’re interested in going in a different direction, and they feel like, ‘Now I’m ready for a committed relationship, so I’m just moving on.’ ”

Friends-with-benefits arrangements can’t last because they’re unrealistic, says Tracy Margolin, a licensed family therapist. There’s too much of the good stuff and not any of the hard stuff, like expressing feelings and being allowed to have expectations. With friendship, there is some responsibility, and with responsibility can come expectations and hurt feelings.

“If I told you I was going to call you tomorrow and I didn’t, you’re going to be disappointed,” she says. “Are you telling me that in a friends-with-benefits relationship, you’re not allowed to be disappointed because I told you I didn’t want anything serious? That’s not going to work because somebody will catch feelings. Or there will be resentments.”

More than that, she questioned what a friends-with-benefits relationship solves, and why someone would want that kind of relationship. “If the problem is, ‘I’m not ready to get in a relationship’, well, at some point you will be. So that didn’t solve it. I mean, is a friends-with-benefits relationship like a ramp up to see if you’re ready, and then you say, ‘Well, thanks for that. I’m healed from my past hurts. Bye.’ ”

Relationships are always going to tend towards something, whether it’s an ending or the beginning of something romantic, says Margolin. “I think it’s human nature to want to move forward. Nothing can stand still. Nothing is in a vacuum.

“Could it serve a purpose for a while? Sure. Will it solve a problem for a while? Yes. Can they endure the long haul? I don’t think so.”

Washington Post

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