My Secret Santa gift is a dud. Can I ask for a better one?

Each week, Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions on workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: rejecting a Secret Santa gift, handling negative feedback and overthinking your out-of-office message.

This year’s Secret Santa came with a new rule — “no plastic, no landfill” — which I genuinely support. We were encouraged to give gifts that are sustainable or handmade, which sounded wholesome in theory. But one colleague took it to another level, and I was the ‘lucky’ recipient of a hand-drawn “voucher” for a free hug and a personal pep talk at any time about how great I am. I admire the creativity, but I also don’t particularly want to be hugged by someone while they tell me to ‘shine my inner light.’ Do I pretend to love it, or do I ask them to exchange my gift for literally anything that exists in three dimensions?

This may not be the news you want to hear, but I think you are stuck with the pep talk. Every year Secret Santa tradition demands one present so weird that it becomes office folklore and this year it seems to be yours. Your colleague has obviously tried to do something different within the bounds of the “rules” and was probably very well-meaning. I suspect you will just have to suck it up. If you want to avoid the hug, you could ask for your pep talk on Teams. Or perhaps laugh your way out of it.

Who knows, if you avoid your gift giver before the year ends they may not even remember in 2026. Either way, I think your best approach is to laugh with your colleague, not at them, and just go with the flow. You can also rest easy knowing that there will be many, many other people receiving unwanted Secret Santa gifts across the country so you are far from alone! ’Tis the season, after all.

In my performance review, my boss asked what I’d like to work on in 2026. I said “assertiveness,” because I thought it sounded professional and was something to aim for. My boss then told me that was a good idea because “you’re a bit of a pushover”. I smiled, nodded, went home, and cried. Am I wrong to take her dig so personally?

I am a little confused. You recognise working on your assertiveness is a good thing, and your boss supports you with that goal. Her flippant response about you being a pushover was perhaps ill-timed and unhelpful, for sure, but big picture it sounds like you are both on the same page. Imagine if you had said you want to work on assertiveness, and she had said “Mmm, that is interesting. I would like to add to that list responsibility, delegation and interpersonal skills.” Instead, she has made it clear you are on the right path for choosing your area of focus. This is a good thing.

When you feel able, and perhaps early in the new year, I would revisit this conversation with your boss to get into the specifics of how you can develop your assertiveness. It might be worth asking her what she would like to see from you and areas where you are best to focus your efforts. It is easy for me to say not to let her comment bother you, but I do think it is worth focusing on what matters most, which is that you are both aligned on something which will be valuable for your personal development.

Every year, I agonise over my out-of-office message. Last year I wrote “I’m offline recharging for 2025 — emails will be deleted when I return”. My boss wrote back from his holidays with, “Bit passive-aggressive, don’t you think?” Now I’ve rewritten it five times, and I’m overthinking every word. I just want to say “Merry Christmas” without receiving feedback that what I have written is wrong. Is there such a thing as a perfect out-of-office message?

You don’t need to be creative or tricky with an out-of-office message. Most people don’t read them anyway, or scan them simply to look for the date to say when you will be back. The perfect out-of-office message in my opinion is short and sweet – let people know you are not checking emails and will be back on XYZ date. There is nothing to offend anyone with that.

Which conveniently brings me to my own out-of-office message for 2025.

The Got a Minute? column will be on holidays now until 28 January 2026. You can still send through your questions by visiting kirstinferguson.com/ask and I will answer them in the new year. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited. Happy Holidays and see you in 2026.

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