Man vs food-container lids: My fate is sealed

Why are things so hard to open? Having just spent an entire Melbourne/Sydney flight wrestling with a packet of cheese and crackers, I am considering driving next time instead.

A simple can of beetroot? You need a health and safety officer standing by, just in case. I place the can on a sheet of paper towel and a tray before stealthily approaching it with the can opener, but still end up with a massacre on my hands.

Ditto those sealed packs of prosciutto. Which is the magic corner with the lift-up tab? I have yet to find it. Does it even exist? Instead, I stab at the plastic with a sharp knife, which means having to re-seal the leftovers in plastic wrap. Which means opening the box of plastic wrap without maiming myself.

And let me tell you the technical term for that little plastic ring-pull beneath the cap on a bottle of soy or oyster sauce, the one that is too small to get your finger into, so you use a chopstick to pull it up, and you break both the chopstick and the plastic ring. The technical term is very, very colourful – at my place, at least.

How is there not an app on which the elderly or arthritic can book someone to come and help them with their jar of peanut butter?

I have mastered the uncorking of a bottle of champagne (needs must) and uncovered the secret to opening a jar of caviar: a 20-cent coin, twisted under the lid. You’ll find one down the back of the couch. Other things escape me. Anchovy cans are problematic. And the Canadian maple syrup I love has such a rusted-on screw cap that I have to wait for an electrician or plumber to come to the house with a proper set of pliers.

For jars at least, there’s a handy little gadget that lifts the edge of the lid just enough to break the vacuum seal. If you don’t have one, use a teaspoon for leverage. You will end up with a drawer of bent spoons, but you will have open jars.

Why is there not a subject on the school syllabus on how to open things, or a supermarket with a jar-opening service? How is there not an app on which the elderly or arthritic can book someone to come and help them with their jar of peanut butter? There’s got to be an opening for something like that.

theemptyplate@goodweekend.com.au

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