I’ve been in love with a couple of women, but I find dating men easier

Michelle de Swarte is known for her role in the Netflix series The Duchess, but the 44-year-old is also a touring comedian, and worked as a model in New York in her late teens and 20s. Here, she discusses the important men in her life, and explains why her next relationship will likely be with a woman.

My maternal grandfather, Mac, was born in south London. I was very close to him growing up. He was a wheeler and dealer, an arms smuggler and antique dealer who used to write for High Times magazine.

He ended up living on a boat with a younger partner. I asked him, “Why do you always go for younger women?” – his missus was my mum’s age. He replied, “Because they’re fun. You get really bored dating women who smell like lavender.” He died a few years ago.

My mum, Helen, gave birth to me when she was 20, and my maternal grandma, Lynn, had Mum at 17. I was raised in a matriarchal setting by lots of lesbians – my maternal grandma is in a same-sex relationship, and my great-aunt is a lesbian.

My parents broke up before I was born. My dad is schizophrenic and his relationship with Mum didn’t last. He is still in my life, and doesn’t live far from me nowadays, but it’s quite hard having a parent with mental illness.

Dad’s illness impacted the way Mum raised us and how I viewed men. Mum always told me, “If you ever have kids, even in a relationship, you’ll be doing the majority of the work.” She told me to be prepared to do it alone.

I loved [Barry Humphries’ character] Dame Edna in my teens. Mum took me to see her and I had pictures of her on my school desk. I was obsessed and loved the glamour and drag of it all.

My teenage crush was on the rapper Usher. Then, when I moved to New York in the late ’90s to work as a fashion model, I really fancied actor Jack Black. He was so funny and, at the time, my dream man.

Mum’s best friend, Brian, who lived down the road from us, was like my gay fairy godfather. I left school in my teens to work in the West End [of London]. Someone stopped me in the street and asked if I wanted to become a stripper. I went back home to tell Mum and Brian, who said, “Michelle, you’re tall. You can model.” Then he put me in heels to see if I could walk.

I started dating an older guy when I was 17, one of those guys who always tells you the same bullshit – that you’re an old soul and wise beyond your years. We were together for a few years.

He taught me a lot by default. I’d dropped out of school at 14, didn’t have money and was vulnerable. He was someone who took me to dinner. When I got scouted to be a model,
I remember the look on his face. He knew his time was up.

I left to model in New York, where I met and worked for some great fashion men: Issey Miyake, Oscar de la Renta, Tom Ford. They were fabulous to be around. I moved back to the UK after a relationship ended, before COVID.

A man called Will stole my heart at 20. I was quite flippant about our relationship because I thought I had time to explore other people. It’s only now, looking back, that I realise it was special. There was something lovely and innocent – we weren’t jaded yet. We mock young love, but it’s special.

I’ve been married and divorced and had short and long relationships. I’ve had my heart broken, and probably broken hearts, too. I’ve been ruthless in relationships and all I can hope for in life is that I’ve got the balls to try again.

I think my next meaningful relationship will be with a woman because I feel I’ve completed men
the way we completed Netflix in lockdown! I’ve been in love with a couple of women over the years and enjoyed dating them, but I find dating men a lot easier because you can be more guarded. With another woman, it’s more emotional, more intense, and that can be interesting.

Michelle de Swarte will perform at Comedy in the Vines in the Yarra Valley on October 25.

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