How to lose friends (and why it’s worth trying to keep them)

Having moved cities three times, Nikol Moses has mastered the art of making new friends. She’s so good at it, in fact, that she co-founded a social club to help others meet.

But as important as making new friends is, the 24-year-old Sydneysider realised that is usually the simplest part. The true challenge is making sure those friendships stick.

“There’s such overwhelming focus on the initial meeting with a person, but most of the time, that’s the easiest step,” she says. “We need to understand that friendships, like any relationship, takes some amount of effort, as much as you want them to just be easy to maintain.”

Why friendships fade

National executive officer of Relationships Australia Nick Tebbey says that of all adult relationships, friendships are usually the first to be jettisoned. While some are consciously ended following a conflict or fall-out, Tebbey says it’s more common for them to simply fizzle out over time.

“As we grow up, our relationships shift because our priorities shift,” he says. “We become more focused on other aspects of our lives, like our family and work. Life happens – there are many obligations that keep us busy, and friendship is less obligation-heavy, so it’s the easiest thing to fall by the wayside.”

How we lose friends

Tebbey says overt signs a friendship is fading include a significant decrease in communication or lacklustre responses. For example, only getting thumbs-up emojis or one-word replies for weeks on end with no in-person interaction.

However, one of the most common pitfalls is a lack of follow-through, like saying “we should catch up”, but then failing to offer a concrete time. Patti Miller, author of True Friends, says this can sometimes indicate an imbalance in the relationship.

“It’s not necessarily that they don’t like you enough, we just sometimes feel insecure in friendships. If they’ve got another significant relationship or are higher status at work, then we’re unsure if we want to see them,” Miller says. “Some people are also initiators, and some aren’t. If there are two non-initiators, it’s not going to happen.”

Many adult friendships are also based on circumstance, Miller adds – think school drop-off or work friends. If those circumstances change, and you no longer organically see that person regularly, it’s easy for the bond to fade.

Similar can be said for friendships largely based on major gestures or activities, Tebbey says.

“If you’re always trying to do something grand like, ‘let’s all go on a holiday to Bali together’, it’s probably going to fail because everyone’s lives get in the way.”

How to maintain friendships

Moses is still close with some school friends, meaning they’ve been in her life for more than a decade. Despite now living in different cities, she says they remain close through monthly phone calls, and by spending ample time together when visiting each other’s cities.

Smaller-scale gestures are important too. For example, she’ll send the occasional reel or meme, which helps them know she’s thinking of them. If she hasn’t spoken with a friend in a while, Moses will set reminders on her phone to reach out.

Maintaining newer friendships can be more challenging, Tebbey says, because longer-term friendships are often based on shared history and experiences, which can often compensate for a lack of frequent contact.

In-person interaction therefore becomes more important for fresher friendships, which can prove challenging when life becomes hectic. Moses tackles this by inviting her friends along to daily tasks.

“A couple of my friends in Sydney go to the same gym as me … I also sometimes co-work with a bunch of friends who also work from home. So, I can see them, but I don’t need to take time away from something else.”

Rituals and routines are also helpful. For example, Moses’ friend group hosts a bi-monthly poker night, a regular catch-up that goes ahead even if everyone can’t attend.

“It might be going to the footy every second Saturday – it almost locks it in, and gives it the same level of responsibility as some of your other obligations,” Tebbey says. “If it’s in the calendar, it’s much harder to forget about or postpone.”

Being open and honest about things can also maintain bonds, Tebbey adds, such as telling a friend you’re thinking of them, updating them on your life, or being transparent about being a “bad texter”.

Miller says the most important thing to remember is that not every person will approach friendship the same way.

“Ideally, we’d like the other person to put in as much effort as we do, but everyone’s been brought up differently, and we have different expectations and rhythms,” Miller says. Sometimes, you must be willing to meet them where they are, and vice versa.

If you feel they’re drifting away, Miller says a simple, gentle message seeking some form of acknowledgement, even just a “hello”, can suffice.

“They could be ill, or going through something terrible, so it’s best not to be indignant.”

Can lost friendships be rekindled?

According to Tebbey, absolutely.

“If you’re feeling like your friendship has died off, there’s a good chance your friend is thinking the same thing,” he says. “Reaching out, whether that’s via social media or a text, and making yourself vulnerable can make a big difference.”

However, Miller suggests going in with low expectations and taking things slowly.

“I had a friend from university … I didn’t see her for a long time – decades – but then one day, she turned up in my writing class. We talked during the break, then talked a few more times, and then finally arranged to see each other,” she says.

“You need to establish that the connection is still there, that you still care about the same things, and share the same values,” she says. “Treat it almost as a new friendship.”

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