Capstone versus cornerstone marriages: what’s the difference and which is better?

Almost 121,000 marriages were registered in Australia last year. The median age for men to get hitched currently sits at 32.8 years, and for women it’s 31.2. Those figures have increased steadily since the mid-1970s. But that’s not the full picture. Some people get married in their early 20s – something that was standard practice a couple of generations ago – while others wait until they’re 40 or older to make it official.

Going early is often referred to as a ‘cornerstone’ marriage, one that is viewed as the foundation upon which other aspects of life (home, career, travel, kids) are built; a ‘capstone’ marriage, like the final piece of a wall or archway, happens when two people have separately established their own identities.

Brendan Lee, a Sydney-based marketing agency owner, was 39 when he married his wife Nancy Tchou, who was then 40, in 2022.

“Nancy often laments that she wishes we had started our journey together earlier, but I always respond the same,” he says. “I am a much different person in my 40s than I was in my 30s, and far different to my 20s. I don’t believe the younger me was the right person for the relationship and marriage that we have now.”

Building from a cornerstone marriage

As the age for entering into marriage creeps upwards, millennials appear keen to get hitched young — in Hollywood at least. Kim Kardashian first married at 19, and Britney Spears was 22. More recently, Hailey Baldwin was 21 when she wed Justin Bieber, while Game of Thrones star Sophie Turner married Joe Jonas when she was also 21. Of those four marriages, one is still current (at least, at time of press).

Back in Melbourne, copywriter Steph and accountant Josh Underhill were both 22 when they married in 2015.

“We’d been dating for four years and wanted to live together so we could see each other as much as possible. We’d been through heaps together already: chronic disease diagnosis, travel, study and starting our careers. For us, marriage was an important part of our culture and family values so it wasn’t a matter of ‘if’ but ‘when’.”

“If you’re marrying a childhood sweetheart or someone you met at uni, for example, chances are you’re launching your careers at the same time,” says Elisabeth Shaw, CEO of Relationships Australia NSW.

“That means you have a lot in common — a real sense of mutual ambition and a sense of laying down the foundations together. Being in step can be very powerful and very engaging.”

But what you think of as common ground might not be quite as solid as you imagine. Couples who marry in their early or mid-20s do have a higher divorce rate — a phenomenon often referred to as a ‘starter marriage’.

“What we find is that if there is any wavering of a couple in that age group, it’s around the second time they have to commit to each other, which is when they decide to start a family,” says Shaw. “The perceived similar pathway is subject to the usual disruptions that come with testing things such as careers and locations, and the marriage isn’t a simple upward trajectory after all.”

Steph says she and Josh were completely trusting of each other and have been fortunate enough to stay best friends despite the ups and downs of life.

“You change so much in a decade, but we’ve changed together and supported each other through things,” says Steph. The couple are now parents to two sons, aged five and two.

“While we’ve shifted as people, we’ve shifted in the same direction rather than going different ways. We’ve learned heaps about ourselves and the other person, and we’re better at being there for each other now than we were in the beginning.”

Reaping the benefits of a capstone marriage

The concept of capstone marriage has become more common in the 21st century, as ideas around marriage have shifted. Young people can opt to cohabit without judgment, and there’s more emphasis on personal development — doing what you want to do before ‘settling down’.

Brendan and Nancy were in the same friendship group for 10 years before they got together. They’d both been in long-term relationships, but at some point found themselves single at the same time and started hanging out more.

“One thing led to another, and things moved very quickly,” says Brendan. “Because both of us were in long-term relationships through most of our 30s, in contrast, it was easy to identify that we were right for each other, and the timing was right.

“The critical factor is an understanding of self-fulfilment and self-belief. I believe if you are confident in your own self-worth and clear in what brings you happiness in life, then that makes it much easier to be a great partner to someone.

“Some people are fortunate and reach this status earlier in life. I think both Nancy and I needed more time and to be a bit older and more mature before getting there. We both look fondly on our previous relationships and experiences because they forged us to be the best partners that we are for each other now.”

One of the advantages of older marriages is that there can be a lot of certainty, Shaw agrees.

“You might have thought about this a lot, and done a lot of other things, and be financially secure, so you can really come to it feeling very resolved and secure in your decisions.”

The obvious challenge is that while there’s comfort in experience, being older also comes with more baggage — elderly parents, ex-partners, stepchildren. And if you want children of your own, the time factors can substantially contribute to relationship pressure.

“While waiting for the COVID restrictions to pass so we could have our dream wedding in Hawaii, we did squeeze in having a child,” Brendan laughs. “So we had our six-month-old daughter, Brooklyn, at our wedding, which was so incredibly special.”

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