‘As we both started seeing other people, the jealousy dissipated’

After 13 years together, French tutoring agency owner Hichem Moussa, 55, and author and entrepreneur Kate Toon, 49, realised the passion had died. For the sake of their son and their friendship, they made a surprising choice.

HICHEM: Kate always jokes that my opening line to her was, “I’m an actor and I live on a boat.” Which was true – and it worked! We were very different: she was pretty straighty-one-eighty, I was a bit chaotic, very independent. She was from North London; I was from Tunisia. But we were both quite quirky and receptive to learning from each other.

Kate got pregnant four years in, after we’d moved to Australia from London. It put a lot of strain on us. I was very much anti-kids, and I was a very reluctant father. Now I love it – but the first few years, I was just not into it.

When our son arrived in 2009, everything else in our relationship – the sex, the intimacy – went on hold. But that hold just went on and on, for years. And eventually, after about nine years in 2018, we started admitting to each other we had lustful feelings for other people – or at least the feeling of being drawn elsewhere. We talked and talked about it. And finally we went, “Okay, well, I think our desire for each other has long since vanished.”

But we both also knew we still loved our son, and wanted to look after him together. I didn’t want him to go through a breakup. My parents broke up, and it was horrible: it really screwed me up for a lot of years. We knew we liked each other; we are very harmonious. So could we somehow stick together, but explore situations with other people?

‘It did take some adjustment: it was almost like having a second life.’

Hichem Moussa

We decided to stay together as a family during the week, then take it in turns on the weekend to go away, if we wanted to, and see other people. And we made the rule, “Okay, if we do start seeing someone, we shouldn’t bring them back to our house. This is a completely neutral place.” And somehow, the harmony – a kind of symbioticness between us – got better and better. As the pressure lifted, we could actually enjoy each other, be friends more.

It did take some adjustment: it was almost like having a second life. Or a double life ... but not a hidden one. Neither of us had experienced it before, so we were exploring as we went along. I do remember a bittersweet feeling – a bit of jealousy – when she met someone, but also thinking, “That’s what I want for her, and that’s what we agreed on. I want her to be happy.” And as we both started seeing other people, that jealousy dissipated. We were also able to talk about it: to say we were feeling vulnerable or a bit blue. And somehow, because we knew each other so well, it was quickly resolved.

I find it’s a shame that people, when they split up, destroy all the goodness of their relationship. Everything that’s been built up over the years just suddenly collapses. I have lots of love, lots of admiration for Kate. She’s very loving, very patient – she can see multiple viewpoints. I think we’ll definitely be friends forever. Especially after going through all this!

KATE: When I met him, Hichem seemed so exotic, so funny, so different from what I was used to. Our relationship was very sexy; he was very handsome. But I’m not sure that we really ever sat down and talked about values. He was just going to be my flibbertigibbet – and then somehow he became my person.

Getting pregnant came as a total shock to both of us, but Hichem took the whole thing really hard. For the first year after our son was born, he was terrible, wretched, useless. He did nothing. And I was just so disappointed in him; I lost a lot of respect for him. Now he’s a wonderful dad, but looking back, I think that was the beginning of the end.

We really did try to keep the whole romance thing alive. We had adventures and we went on romantic getaways. But it just faded away. I decided that was what happened to everyone, and I was just going to live my best life. But then, when our son was about nine, I met a few people and I thought, “Hmm.” Just, “Hmm.” And then I thought, “This isn’t good.” I think it was me who broached [the subject of separating] with Hichem. It was a very bizarre conversation – sort of brave, awful, sad. I think we both cried. But I think Hichem was relieved because he’d been thinking the same thing. And then we had this weird discussion: “Well, maybe we could try a different way.”

‘We have always been a good team. We probably could have stayed together and been mid-level happy. Rather greedily, [now] I get to have all my loves at the same time.’

Kate Toon

There were hard moments. When I first met someone, and was thinking about going to see them, I said to Hichem, “If I do this, this is really real.” And he said, “Yes, I know; do it.” And I can’t say I wasn’t slightly crushed by that. But it was a very gentle final blow. Since then, it’s been surprisingly okay.

We told our son right from the get-go: “Mum and Dad aren’t romantic any more, but we still love each other.” Then, a couple of years later, we said, “Here’s my romantic person.” He was a bit shocked, but he came to terms with it very quickly because he realised his life wasn’t impacted in any way. These days, we both have long-term partners.

Everyone’s met each other, but nobody sleeps over: what kid wouldn’t have the icks about their parents having sex?! There have been challenges – moments where I’ve wanted to jet off to Acapulco with my new person and I’ve got to do the school run. But that seems a small sacrifice to make. As for Hichem, I’m so glad he didn’t meet some booby 21-year old! His partner is a normal, great woman. And he gets on very well with my partner.

Looking back on it, Hichem and I have always been a good team. We probably could have stayed together and been mid-level happy. But now I get to have him and my little family, and my new partner. Rather greedily, I get to have all my loves at the same time.

We’ve decided that when our son finishes his HSC in four years, we’ll separate. But even then, Hichem will stay close by. We’ll have lived together for 20 years by then. I just hope he remains in my life forever. I mean, how many great, great friends do you get in life? He’s one of mine.

twoofus@goodweekend.com.au

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