Is six weeks too soon to fall in love after a break-up? Nicole has nailed the optics of divorce

Stepping out publicly for the first time since news broke she’s divorcing Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman wore Chanel, Pharaoh-adjacent eyeshadow, a kicky fringe and a sphinx smile. And the hint of a hair shirt.

While there are literally zero winners in a relationship split – unless Melania Trump decides to give it a whirl – there’s still usually a baddie. The cheater. The one who walked. The cheatee who then walked.

And as is known by anyone who’s done divorce, in deepest suburbia or under the global glare of speculation, the chief black hat is usually the person who first steps out with someone else.

In Nicole and Keith’s case, reports say that’s Mr Urban, although details are scant. (I wouldn’t believe the stuff about his tour guitarist.)

Whatever the truth, it’s good for Nicole’s narrative if not her heart. Her post-split appearance in Paris was a triumph of PR optics. Head up, she was flanked by her daughters in a knockout power play of unity and support.

Classic seizing of the story. The girls are in my corner. I’m the classy single mum who will contemplate a Vanity Fair cover to say I will never give up on true love but am fine being alone. Loved it, high five Nicole.

Rattling around in his bachelor crib, Keith has been outfoxed. Mate, get out the pad and pencil, write a new heartbreak song. It’s your only chance of not being pilloried when you debut a new love.

A weird paradox exists when a long relationship ends. Stakeholders — friends, family, fans — are often both hopeful the new singletons will find happiness again but also hurt and mistrustful when they do.

Especially if it’s fast.

Which means the question Keith — and the roughly 47,000 Australian couples who divorce annually and may want to re-partner — could face is: how soon is too soon?

How do you know in your post-divorce state if you’re a trustworthy witness to yourself? Is the new romance just heightened emotions including flat out panic about being alone?

I’ve done a few things over the journey that I’m leery of and make me look like a dick.

Top of the list is I spread a rumour about a colleague because I was jealous of her sports car and effortless hair and talent. Second is that when my 23-year-old first marriage ended, I was madly in love with a new fella in, um, six weeks.

I know. Bad look. In my defence, I wasn’t hunting for the next bloke. It just happened. And thank you sweet Betty White for that.

It’s tricky because I understood the speed of it was painful for people I loved. It looked like I’d dismissed or disrespected the old relationship and was blithely papering over heartbreak.

But I also recognised something real and precious and irrevocable, even if it came sooner than anyone expected. And it was my life, nobody else’s.

Still, sometimes when Chris and I are boring each other stupid or I’m googling “how do you know if you love someone?” I wonder if a part of me was filling a void rather than embracing a beautiful surprise.

This week I had the fabulous opportunity of asking that to clinical psychologist Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of Relationships Australia NSW, on Radio National’s Life Matters show.

Elisabeth didn’t find my speedy repartnering story — or Keith’s, or yours — terrible. In fact, she called it “delightful”, because “it’s so human. You embraced the opportunities that came along amid all that despair.”

But did I embrace them and another man indecently early?

“Maybe. It’s impossible to really know what’s real or not but you can register in that moment that it feels important and worth pursuing,” she said.

“So what if you did it and it lasted six weeks but gave you a sense, ‘there are things in my future’? It shows there are other people out there and you can start to picture how that could look.”

For Nicole, the Keith rumours make her the injured party. For the man himself, it looks a bit suss. The only truth? In love after divorce, “too soon” is a verdict nobody else can make.

Kate Halfpenny is the founder of Bad Mother Media.

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