The powerful and privileged farewell the ‘Senator for Kneecaps’

Say what you will about Graham Richardson. In life, and in death, the man bent the laws of political physics.

Under any normal circumstances, a hard-nosed Labor faceless man best known for living life just minutes ahead of the Independent Commission Against Corruption, all while indulging in a voracious appetite for food, political skulduggery and sordid trysts with sex workers, would be a figure of hate for News Corp and the Coalition.

Not Richo. The “Senator for Kneecaps’” death has provided a rare moment of blissful bipartisanship as Canberra’s warring tribes gathered at St James’ Church in Sydney on Tuesday to honour a common cause – the belief that Graham Richardson was a political saint worthy of canonisation. Or least, a state funeral. And they wonder why the punters are so disillusioned with politics!

The political kingmaker best known as Bob Hawke’s numbers man earned the love of Australia’s Right by fashioning himself as a relic of a no-nonsense pre-woke Labor, much to the delight of the few hundred people who watch Sky News. And he earned the begrudging respect of his old ALP comrades, some of whom probably still fear Richo even in death.

For a taste of the bipartisan consensus around Richardson, here is an abbreviated guest list: Prime Minister Anthony Albanese delivered the eulogy. Tony Abbott offered a vignette. There were tributes from Deputy Prime Minister Richard Marles and ex-Nationals minister Keith Pitt (now ambassador to the Holy See).

Pallbearers included retired Labor defence minister Joel Fitzgibbon, Daily Telegraph editor Ben English and colourful ex-Socceroos goalkeeper Mark Bosnich (one of Richo’s many lunch buddies).

Labor frontbenchers Michelle Rowland, Tanya Plibersek and Tony Burke showed up. So did coal-loving Nationals senator Matt Canavan and the party’s former leader Michael McCormack.

Former Labor premiers Morris Iemma and Bob Carr were there, as was NSW Treasurer Dan Mookhey. Ditto ex-deputy premier John Barilaro, who probably wishes he was in New York right now.

Annastacia Palaszczuk, the COVID-era Queensland premier, flew in from Brisbane. Joe Hockey flew in from Washington, DC.

No sign of Paul Keating, whose path to The Lodge was paved by Richo. But Blanche d’Alpuget, wife of the late Bob Hawke, was spotted chatting with Abbott ahead of the ceremony.

One Nation’s newest recruit, Barnaby Joyce, arrived early so he could soak up media attention for nearly an hour before the service, but to his credit delivered a whole lot more honesty about the deceased than any of the other mourners.

What would Richo be remembered for?

“Ruthlessness. Absolute and utter ruthlessness,” Joyce said.

“In politics there are people with fire extinguishers and people with cans of petrol. That man had a can of petrol.”

Joyce eventually entered the church alongside Fitzgibbon and former Liberal MP Ross Cameron.

Fitz joked that he was sandwiched between two right-wingers.

“It’s where you should’ve been all along,” Cameron said.

In another life, it might’ve been where Richo would be, too. For all the ink spilled in the weeks since his death, few seem able to recall any kind of signature achievement to advance the progressive cause (though Albo did sputter something about getting the Daintree Rainforest a world heritage listing, so credit where it’s due, we guess).

Instead, we have tales of factional fisticuffs and long lunches. Always the long lunches. Richo once described his days of backroom brawling as “better than sex and almost as exciting as a good feed”, so you always knew where his priorities lay.

Perhaps it was the lunches that allowed him to curry favour with so many hungry, credulous media types. Plenty showed up at St James’ – 2GB’s Ben Fordham popping up in the front row alongside Nine entertainment editor Richard Wilkins and ex-NSW police chief Mick Fuller (another lunch buddy). A few old News Corp comrades were around too, including Sky News boss Paul “Boris” Whittaker, one of the network’s regular “silly buggers” Rowan Dean and Tele columnist Piers Akerman.

If Richo is to be remembered for something else aside from the lunches, it might well be an uncanny, larrikin-like ability to keep his head just a few inches above the muck. Naturally, this meant spending plenty of time in said muck, cavorting with less artful creatures whom the muck would envelop.

It was unsurprising that the mourners included a few people who, for various reasons, have earned themselves the “disgraced” tag.

There was disgraced broadcaster Alan Jones, rarely seen since being charged with indecent assault and sexual touching offences last year, showing up to pay respects to an old mate. The two co-hosted Richo + Jones on Sky News (where else!) back in the day. His one-time lawyer, defamation specialist Mark O’Brien, was also around.

We also spotted disgraced former NSW Labor general secretary Kaila Murnain, dumped after the ICAC heard she’d failed to report a $100,000 donation in an Aldi shopping bag from CCP-aligned property developer Huang Xiangmo.

Disgraced neurosurgeon Charlie Teo, banned from operating in Australia by the Health Care Complaints Commission, was among the first arrivals. Teo operated on Richo’s old mate, disgraced stockbroker Rene Rivkin, in 2003. Jones and Richardson both wrote character references for Rivkin when he was convicted of insider trading. Everything, you see, is connected.

That was a core part of Richo’s charm. He flew close to the sun, but unlike so many of his mates, the wings never quite melted off.

Finally, the mourners started to trickle out, and the comcars peeled away into the traffic. All that was left were the flattened remains of a dead rat decorating the road behind Richo’s hearse.